I read this awhile ago, saved it & thought would share it with you here, might help if you really want your ex back?


Win Back A Cheater



If your spouse has cheated on you, your natural reaction would probably be a combination of anger, rage, disappointment, bitterness, retaliation, extreme sorrow, revenge and giving up. All these are negative. If you do any or all of them, you put your marriage at risk of ending. But how should you respond towards your cheating spouse?

The first thing to do is pray and pray fervently. Only God can change a human heart so appeal to Him to do so. Then take action. Whatever action is taken is with the ­object­ive of bringing your cheating spouse to repentance and ending the illicit relationship. Here are things you should NOT do.

Things You Should Not Do

Do not spy on your spouse. This invasion of privacy will only cause greater friction in your relationship. Do not condemn your spouse. A holier-than-thou attitude would drive him or her even further from you. Do not be pedantic over every little detail of your spouse's behavior. Demanding perfection from him does not give him room to fail and come back to you. Do not issue an ultimatum, either. Don't threaten your spouse with the usual, "You come back to me or else". He may just choose the 'or else' and your marriage is as good as over. Now let me share what you CAN do.

What You Can Do

At the same time, do not be taken advantage of or taken for granted. You have a right to press for commitment and loyalty from your spouse. You can ask him to account for his whereabouts and activities. But be sensitive in doing so. If you suspect an affair it is alright to ask for an explanation of his relationship with the third party. If there is admission, then set out a plan to restore your relationship. If there is no admission, just let things be for now. Do not confront or accuse your spouse of an affair without hard evidence. Acting as though you are ignorant is the best approach. The longer you act ignorant, the more evidence you may be able to gather. An admission may come later if you do things correctly now. Let's say it has become crystal clear that your spouse is cheating. What then?

If it is clear that your spouse is cheating and does not want to give up the relationship, you have to persuade him to do so. But the means by which you do that is important. What about leaving your spouse as a way of making him give up the relationship? Personally, I would not advise that unless there is physical abuse involved. But if it does not come to that, I feel it is important to remain in the home even though it is painful to watch your spouse having an affair. There are things you can do while you are still living under the same roof.

You can show your dissatisfaction and disapproval by what you do or don't do. For example, you can cook only for the children or sleep in separate rooms. If your spouse has enough sense to see how this affects your relationship and more so how it affects the children, it should cause him to re-think his relationship with the third party. But if you leave him, you lose any opportunity to influence him to give up his relationship. Here are some practical steps I suggest you take.

Practical Steps To Take

If at all possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. Discuss the earliest time when you sense something went wrong with your relationship. Find out in what way your relationship changed. This is to pinpoint the root causes for the breakdown in your relationship. Once these root causes are found, help one another to remove them. But be careful of one thing, though.

Do not only highlight the changes your spouse needs to make. YOU must be willing to change first. Ask your spouse what changes about YOURSELF he or she feels you should make and then make the changes as far as you can for the sake of your spouse. Then only can you expect your spouse to change himself or herself. Re-live the way you used to in the past that brought you both much joy. Re-ignite the feelings you once had for each other. Re-connect by communicating with one another in fresh new ways. But don't only redo the past good things.

Try new things together. As long as they are either new or interesting or innovative and enjoyable, it's worth a try doing it as a couple or a family. The purpose is to re-discover the excitement of being a couple or a family. Here are some suggestions.

Do you have small children? Try something fun together. Throw a costume party, a treasure hunt, a family outing, a friendly competition (father and daughter versus mother and son), a family quiz etc. Children have a special ability to draw parents close together.

Do you have common interests? Indulge in it together. Go to a music festival, paint something together, visit art galleries, watch movies, share jokes, cook dishes together, do a common project, get involved in community work together etc. The aim is to spend quality fun times that will bring you closer together. All these activities are great, but let's not forget the way you behave towards one another daily. It's important there is some change in that also. Here's what I mean.

Put in what may be missing in your relationship. It may be mutual support or affirmation or encouragement or understanding or quality time together. You may not have outwardly appreciated your spouse enough. Then find ways to do so. You may never have given him reason to feel proud of himself. Encourage him in his achievements or whatever is important to him. Maybe you may not have boosted his ego often enough. If so, then lavish him with praise. Wife, believe me, your husband THRIVES on praise and well-deserved strokes of his ego, so be sure to tell and show him how great a guy he is. For sure you need to ignore his faults. Focus on his strengths. This is one sure way to win back his heart. And here's another sure way.

Be sure to speak one another's love language. If your husband responds to physical touch, caress him or touch him. If he likes words of encouragement, speak encouragement often to him. If he is the type that responds to acts of service, then be pro-active and do things for him. Likewise if it is quality time, spend the time and lastly if he responds best to giving gifts, make sure you surprise him often with gifts. In time, he will inevitably reciprocate the same to you. This is how you make each other feel good.

Conclusion

It is never easy to deal with a cheating spouse. Doing all the above may take time and effort, but if done correctly would make your cheating spouse willingly break off the relationship with the third party. That is the ultimate goal in saving your marriage.

oh...I tried all that. Result ...laughed in my face and continued her cheating ways whilst pretending nothing was going on. Even got out of someones hotel bed to come to a reconcilliation meeting saying that she was wearing the clothes I liked her to wear. I dont doubt your words of wisdom and they may well work for some people . I hope it does because it will save a lot of heartache. But anyone trying must realise that it takes 2 to tango and both parties must be willing to try. If one party is hiding things then the injured party must go into the arrangement with an open mind and be aware that they might grind themselves down like I did. It was so bad in the end I had to stop communication as I was fruitlessly trying to compete with the affections...a loose term...they were using her.. of other interested parties. She even told one that I agreed with her seeing them !!! No problems and we were very amicable about it. !!! Oh yeah. I was competing with a load of Wa*****s who had no intentions of commiting themselves.

I tried all of that too Polar, won him back twice & he gave her up, only to get back with her again! He too denied seeing her for months, lied all the time about where he was but i always found out!
It was just advice i found on the internet & i thought it might help others, not all partners might be happier with the other woman/man?
Cindy

Yes Cindy, It might be a case of better the devil you know rather than the devil you dont !!! That was said by a friend to me when we tried to reconcile. I see you had the same experience I had when my first marriage broke up 35 years ago. Oh yes she came back. ''Claimed she had nowhere to go'' . It lasted 2 weeks . Then mirraculously she got a flat. Can only imagine that the two weeks was the time to get references etc. Yes I do hope that people can reconcile. But as you painfully found out once a cheater always a cheater. Trust I would imagine gone out of the window doesn't matter how hard people try. Maybe it would be better if I didn't have emotions and threw the past 25 years out of the window. Unfortunately Im just not built like that. By the sounds of it there are a lot of people built like me on this site. Ah well at least some of the population are decent. Thank goodness !!!

I agee Polar, i think the majority of people do have strong emotions when it comes to divorce or infidelity, its a natural reaction to cry, scream, get angry, want revenge at first. Anyone who doesn't feel that way couldn't have loved their partners much anyway.
Hoping you are well tonight, take care,
Cindy

I never cried when I was told by both of them. I just went numb. The crying and the anger and the "why me" "why now" came later. Now I can see why now and why me. I was living on borrowed time since my ex turned 40 and her mum died. I think she wanted a change in her life and not sure what. And along come the fat coach driver and that was me done and dusted. But now nearly 3 years on from the start of things I am generaly ok. I know what I did right and where I went wrong. Just wish I could go back in time and have another crack at it lol. I would do a much better job now I have got wicki and experiance. I am getting counseling now and that sort of helps. But I am at a loss why I am there.

I still have issues. I think I will have them the rest of my life and wouldnt go back to a family again. I am too scared of getting hurt. Women with kids are a no no for me now. The wrench of loosing them is too great for me as I fight shy of pain for obvious reasons. Its just not worth it. But I did love my kids and I hate the idea of the fat coacher reaping the rewards of what I worked so hard for. All those evenings of homework and going up the school etc are for nothing.

I know they were lied to by my ex and her BF. There is no other explanation for why I was dumped by the kids. But thats life and I do hope she and him gets there just deserts in time and the kids are not to damaged by what they saw.

I am torn between the kids were evil little so and so's and what they were told about me. I suspect its a bit of both. I will never know.

For me I just enjoy life now. I have lots of freinds and life is good if not lonley at times. But thats the cards I have been dealt and thats that. This is one post I am actualy going to hit submit. I do enjoy talking to myself lol. Sorry. C

Hi Marshmellow, you just keep enjoying the good life with your friends and one day, when the hurt is almost gone you might be ready to start over with someone new, not all partners are as awful as the ones we had, there are many good people out there, you just got to find them! Take care,
Cindy