How is this??

My STBX has made me feel worthless and has not given a dam about anything he has done and said. He has been heartless and insensitive. So why do I not hate him?

I hate the things he has done but not HIM. All my friends keep telling me that the person who left me was not the person I married. I just cant see that. I just want my life back and I know it is never going to happen. He wants to be with the OW.

10 months, still get down, still feel lonely, kids with him til Sunday and I miss them so much... I should be out enjoying my time without them but I can't. What is my purpose?? I don't know anymore. I never really thought too far ahead when I was with him...now that is all I do. But the future is scary and bleak.

Why can I not just hate him and just let go and forget? 17 yrs for what?? THIS!

CandyW

CandyW, i went through the same thing but today something happened to make me hate him & not even want to talk to him (posted on a new thread) Your day will come when you dont love him the same anymore. Try to get out with friends as often as you can, it helped me & i also met someone in the process a couple of weeks ago. 18 months on & i'm finally breaking all ties, just keep going fwd & living in the day, dont look ahead as its scary ok?
Cindy

Hi Cindygirl,

Thank you!

I have not spoken to him in ages and I don't even see him at all.

I have chosen this way for me and it would hurt me more to see him knowing that he does not want to be with me anymore.

It is great that you have moved on and met someone else. I just don't see myself with anyone else. I try to stay prositive but I seem to be going backwards this week. Maybe it is because my children are not here. I wish I could stop him from having them.

CandyW

CandyW, i guess you're doing right stopping contact with your ex, it must be so hard coping without the kids, it gives you more thinking time & you dont really need that. Try to pamper yourself in the bath, call friends on the phone & try to distract your thoughts a bit. One day you will be ready to go out & make men friends like i have, just keep them as friends so theres no pressure to relace your ex. You never know, one might develop into something more meaninful. I'm not sure the man in my life is going to be right for me long term but he sure makes me happy when im in his company, and i soooo needed that!
Take care,
Cindy

Candyw,
Maybe the reason that you are feeling like this is maybe because you dont have the children and have more ''thinking'' time. Without distractions you (as I have) start to think negative thoughts like, where will I live, why did they do this,I dont want to grow old on my own etc etc.

Try to do more things to change the negative thoughts to positive thoughts, turn the frown into a smile start to go out, even if you don't want to, force yourself to. Once you are back in the real world you may start to see things clearer.

Take care

Phoenix1

CandyW wrote:
He has been heartless and insensitive. So why do I not hate him?

I hate the things he has done but not HIM.

You don't hate him because you loved him. He changed, moved on; you didn't. So you can't expect to have recovered from 17 yrs in just a few short months; so don't beat yourself up with your feelings. Sadly; it is a pain that you have to go through until the day it hurts less. A loss; just like Bereavement.

Maybe you would recover quicker if you did associate the heartless, senseless things he has done with HIM. You are still in love with the person you thought he was; and not the person that he actually is.

Chances are; when you are feeling more able to detach when the children aren't around; and become yourself again; you will get out there; glow and attract someone that does value you for you.

I understand the pointlessness and empty nest that you feel when the children are away. After my first divorce; when my son was ten, if he was not there I felt bereft. I was like a 'car-crash' mum. I would go into his room and smell his pyjamas!

Then I learnt to close his bedroom door on the nights that he was with his dad. When my son wasn't there; I gave myself permission to be single. I made things happen (scarey at first) but soon relished my 'free-time' (adult time) when I'm not playing mum.

You may have to re-learn to be someone other than Mrs. Dickhead; and mother to his children. When they are with their dad; I'm sure they are warm, fed, comfortable and happy. They will benefit from not having lost a parent in this awful divorce process.

You need to learn how to take care of yourself. You may always love your ex; (he is the father of your children) but you will have to accept that the drug he gave you (Love); is no longer available from him.

You want more love in your life; but you're going to have to change your dealer!