Hi

Its been a while i know. Been getting help from friends which i feel is getting repetative now for them (maybe not, they tell me they care).

She has been cheating, found out by texts, calls, a text i found on her mobile too, a letter from him to her. He is declaring his undying love for her etc.

I cannot undertand or believe she would ever have done this, i trusted her so much and loved her so much and thought she was the same. It hurts like hell, like i've never felt it before and i cannot see the light at the moment. I do have OK days but they are are few and far between.

We have had furious arguments when i confront her, she doesnt want to hear it or admit it. She is so angry and volatile and this was even the case at timesw through the relationship. My friends say i've had a lucky escape.

I see her when picking girls up etc and i cannot help but feel attracted to her, she is slimmer now and looks good. i can smell her perfume from the girls.

It hurts so much to think what i've lost and will never have again. SHe has got everything, the house which she is planning to keep on, even though she is only a part time worker??? i'm at my parents which is still surreal after 4 weeks. I'm still looking for work which is hard to motivate myself for.

I've been to see a lawyer who is taking on the case for me, we are setting up a legal separation agreement.

The house is on the market but with the current climate but she is now offering to buy me out at at reduced return with the market as it is.

This aside i cannot believe she would do this and go this far, i want revenge on him, he stole my wife but i know this is not the answer.

The betrayal, lying and cheating is something i cannot comprehend and at the moment feel i never will.

Advice on this would be appreciated.

Thanks

C.

I am sorry you feel so betrayed. Nobody can steal someone away from a happy situation, so maybe all was not well for a while and you never noticed? That is not a critisism, just a general observation. It is awful when you feel like you are moving on then suddenly you're back at square one. You will always have the love of your children so concentrate on them and put energy-sapping thoughts of revenge out of your head.

i was married for 30 years and last week found out my husband had comitted adultry..been going on i think for 18 mths..what a fool i feel..feel so low its unbelieveable..how can he appear to carry on like nothings happened?
he didnt tell me but told my daughter how bad is that she told me as it was a burden she felt unable to carry...so how do we go on?
have no answers but wanted to tell someone my story
good luck to us both

Carton and Zilla

You are both feeling awful right now. When a marriage breaks up it is very painful, but more so when one partner has aleady found someone else. You feel rejected, hurt, worthless, angry, bitter, sad, shocked and in disbelief. This is all normal, but very painful none the less.

These feelings will pass and then return when you least expect it, but hopefully as time passes the feelings will lessen.

My ex and I have been together for 31 years and married for 18 of those years. We had been drifting apart for a long time and I wanted to separate but he wouldn't leave and I had no where to take our children to, and didn't see why us 3 had to up sticks when ex could move out.

Anyway he did move out, into new woman's house with her kids. Although our marriage was over in my head, after he'd gone I found it wasn't over in my heart and it is taking time to come to terms with. I don't want him back but am not ready to start divorce proceedings yet.

It hurts that he is taking other woman's children out and spending most of his time with them and not with his own. It hurts when he says "our children" meaning her children. It hurts that however sad he may feel about our split he has someone to talk it over with at night.

So although it isn't much comfort, you aren't alone in your hurt.

Once one partner has been unfaithful, you begin to question whether they were ever the person you thought they were. Did they mean it when they said they cared? Why didn't you see that they had changed? Or is it you that has changed?

Separation really does turn your whole world upside down. It's so hard trying to be normal and carry on when you have kids, when you want to scream and yell and throw things.

Things can only get better and you are not alone on this forum.

Hello Zilla and others in the same situation, sorry didnt note the names. I had a bad wkend too, but I suppose Im on the other side of things. I had been unhappy for years, and we'd both tried to fix things occasionally, then when I plucked up courage to say I couldnt carry on any more, he went completely bonkers, and wants me to move out and rent. We are near a court date now and he's telling me that he will stay here because the children will want to go with him, and so I wont have the maintenance and child tax credit. I think he's trying to bully me into not going to court and I told him that. Im sure he's on a mission to scare me into leaving, he has admitted he is so angry at the thought that I might get to stay in the house, even though he has another house he owns, and lots of pensions and savings,and a new girlfriend. A few weeks ago this would have crushed me, now with the help of friends I feel a bit stronger and can focus on the outcome, not the hurtful words designed to scare me, not every day, but a little bit easier each time.Hope it comes good for you,this time will end, and new better times will come, believe me, xxxx(((hug)))

I wouldnt bother trying to understand the lies and the betrayal - if its not what you would do then you will never be able to understand it. Even the people who have the affairs are often at a loss to explain what they are doing - its like they are in the grip of some drug, just getting in deeper and deeper and knowing that its all going to explode at some point. Some people cant take responsibility for what they want - so they get someone else to do it for them. Having an affair is the quickest way to escape your existing relationship whether you keep it secret or its found out for the person cheating they left a long time ago they just didnt know how to tell you!.

Unfortunately those left behind have some catching up to do and thats hard work at the best of times but when you are looking at the situation through the fog of numbness and shock, it really is a big ask. At this stage you have to just 'be' and let your friends listen to you talk it out over and over again because its only in talking that you really figure out what is going on. Its very rough but you are obviously trying to get steady on your feet, good for you! I am sure you love her and hate her and feel sick all at the same time. This is the impact of being kicked by someone you never expected it from. Sadly theres no magic cure other than to tell you - not everybody behaves like this. I hope you start to feel stronger and just give yourself time to deal with whats happening. Rasher

Its no surprise that you are struggling to cope given what has happened to you, getting through these next few days and weeks will be just a case of taking each day as it comes.

You will be having conversations that you will have never ever expected to be having, and it will break your heart over and over again.

Cant give you too much by way of advice all I can say is do your very best to keep your dignity, there is nothing that you can do to undo what she has done, and revenge in this instance will not make you feel any better.

Stay as stong as you can, I found that thinking ahead and getting things clear in my head regarding what I wanted to do helped me, sorting out the practical stuff helped but every one will have thier own ways of dealing with it.

Good luck

GM