My stbx has a younger woman that he met 18 months ago, i filed for divorce a couple of months ago, he is in my daily, texting, ringing, popping in for tea etc. I still love him but have accepted our marriage could never recover after this long affair, ive had many emotions through the past year, anger, fear, depression, loneliness etc. The last few days my depression was overwhelming & i cried all the time, it was a typical period of 'Why me?, whats wrong with me. why has my marriage failed?'....
Anyway, i texted him & said i wanted no more contact with him, that i was ready to move on with my life again (I started dating men a few weeks ago, nothing serious, just a start for me & making friends). He text back & said ok, if its what you really want? So today i woke up not expecting to hear from him at all, and resolved myself to not text him no matter how strong the urge might be!
Well, by 11am he had text me from work asking if im ok? At midday he text again, telling me how work was going! He was acting as if we have never parted, like he always does, as if this other woman doesnt even exist! By the way, if ever i mention her he says she's nothing to him, that she isn't in his long term plans, that she just won't let go, that she has kids & he doesn't want to take them on etc etc But i know he sees her regularly so there HAS to be something going on for him!
Anyway, to cut a long story short he left work early, said he wanted to spend an hour with me & would i go to a cafe for coffee? Stupidly i said yes, i wanted to see what he had to say, but you know what? He said nothing! He never mentioned US, or her, or the future or the past. Seems he just wanted a quiet hour with me. I must say i rather enjoyed it too, no arguing, no bitterness or raking up the affair or the past....i was too drained for that today. He dropped me off home then rang me a few times asking am i ok? He said i was a bit too quiet & hes worried about me, wanted to know if im coping ok?
I wanted to scream that no, most of the time im NOT ok, that he has almost destroyed my confidence & that i often hate him! But i didn't, i just yes i'm ok, just didnt get much sleep last night, but thanks for asking.
How do i accept our marriage is over if he continues to text, ring & beg to see me? He cant love me or this other woman wouldn't still be in his life.
Sorry if i'm ranting but last nights plan to stop contact has failed, again, and i'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to tell him to sling his hook when he gets in touch. Sigh, anyone else going through this when another woman's involved with your stbx?

Cindy,
Bit harsh, but as long as you let him walk all over you, he is going to continue to wipe his feet on you.

Yes, he is being nice, but he is having a ball, at your expense.

Nobody pretends that 'cold turkey' is easy. But you need that distance to help you start your own recovery.

Be honest with yourself, and accept that his ehaviour is completely unacceptable and stop seeing 'Mr Nice Guy' as that. He is a controlling serial philanderer. And not worth your time or emotional energy.

Sorry to be a bit harsh

Mike

Thanks Mike, yes it was a bit harsh but i guess i needed to hear it again, you're right, he's having a ball and at my expense too, sigh, i'm up and down all the time and i know its because he's making me that way, and that i keep letting him do it to me. Tomorrow i will ignore all of his texts or calls, in fact i think if it doesn't work i need to change my number. I do need to recover from all he has put me through & i can only do that if i'm left alone to deal with it. Thanks again for your thoughts.

I understand how you are feeling. My husband left a month ago for another woman, but still wants to chat to me when he comes round as though we are friends. Today I dealt with it by saying I wasn't interested in his news, but as he was here could he fix the fence and take the lawnmower in for repair?!

If you really don't want him to contact you - and I think you would find it less emotionally churning if he didn't, point out that unwanted contact might be construed as harrassment.

I think lots of men just want their cake and eat it.

Cindy,
ou have to be a bit hard with yourself to begin with. Then when you have severed contact, you can start being nice to yourself again. It is bloody hard to make that move, to believe that you CAN cope without him. He is right under your skin. He knows that and plays on it mercilessly. His concern for your welfare is perhaps genuine. But any issues you have stem directly from him. So asking you if you are 'alright' is a little inflammatory to say the least. Take each day one at a time. Congratulate and treat yourself for every time you consciously stop yourself from contacting him, or allowing him contact. It won't take long for him to get the message. You CAN do this. Your wikichums are here to help you do it. You have to break his cycle of control.

Best of luck

Mike

Hi cindygirl,

You have every right to rant! Give yourself permission!

I am trying really hard to learn from this situation I have found myself in, & there are a couple of words that keep on cropping up for me - ‘power’ & ‘control’. I have never felt so disempowered in my life as I have over the past several months, feeling that he calls all the shots & that I am left to deal with whatever is thrown at me. I am struggling to try to find ways in which to take the power back – I don’t mean in an unreasonable, malevolent way, but just in a way that leaves me feeling that the balance of power is more evenly matched.

You took a brave stand to regain some control over your situation, & I feel that his disregard for this is his way of attempting to win back control. If you really feel that no contact is what you want, stand firm & stick by it. That way, you will not be allowing
him to tip the scales of power to his favour.

Wishing you well.

Hi iwill
Do not feel sorry for this man, he left you, shacked up with a woman, only for one thing, then realised she had children and things were not quie so rosy. He is confused poor thing Thought the grass was greener and it was not.
It is hard, and if you really do not want him in your life, the big question, would you trust him again?, then you have to insist that he does not phone. If he persists then change your telephone number. He cannot bear the thought that you are not clinging around his leg, crying and blubbing, and that is what he wants. Dont give him the pleasure. You have dated other men, wow what a kick in the face for him, he left you but you still can attract another men. mmmm. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want no contact and if he continues you will consider it to be harassment.
You do not mention is floosy, that really must annoy him that you display no emotions on that, I bet he would love it if you did, his is finding this very hard to understand. She means nothing to him, just a quick boff eh?
Be strong, if he has done this to you once, there is a chance if you had him back that he would do it again.
zara