Hi i`ve just found out that my soon 2bx wife is having relationship with someone else,we are both living in fmh in joint names,we were going through divorce amicably,but she was deciving me about this person,he has a conviction for dealing acid and served 13 months and while she having a relationship with him doesn`t cocern me i`m loath to let him near my kids, she is not in fmh since she told me by txt last night and won`t answer phone calls.we have 2 kids one 14 the other 9, we both want a divorce but now i dont no if to stop the current one and name him as adultery? i dont no what to doabout his conviction i can understand every1 deserves a second chance but i dont want to leave kids around some1 that might still be dealing,she was going to stay in mh till my youngest left school the relationship apparantly has been going on for some weeks.
just wondered if i should let divorce go through as is,and if there was anything i could do to make sure my kids are safe befor i go, i did thing of trying for custody but while my x2b wife and i had problems she is a good mother sorry for rambling

Bearing in mind future family relationships it's best just to let the divorce go through as quickly as possible and concentrate your energies on sorting the finances and making arrangements for the children. You need to trust your wife to act in the interest of children's welfare.

Hi Fiona,
Yes letting it go through would prob be best,im worried about the kids, i no the person involved and there relationship although a few weeks has only come to a head yesterday when his ex partner threw him out and he`s now homeless and while i would have trusted her judjement she`s happy for him to be around kids and has known about his conviction and doesn`t concern her just wondered if there was anything i could do to safeguard the children?
thanks for yr reply

I appreciate your concern but apart from the most exceptional cases the best way to safeguard children is for parents to support each others parenting and encourage children to be open and talk about their problems without fear of their parents overreactions. In the context of the Children Act 1989 risk of harm relates to;-

punishing a child too much

hitting or shaking a child

constantly criticising, threatening or rejecting a child

sexually interfering with or assaulting a child

not looking after a child - not giving them enough to eat, ignoring them, not playing or talking with them or not making sure that they are safe

Criminal convictions are difficult to deal with the only ones that stand any ground for prevention of access to children and sexual offences (particularly those involving minors). You say you know this person so presumably you know how long ago this conviction was made and if its likely this person is still involved in drug dealing. The best thing is to discuss this with yr wife and advise her that you have concerns and need reassurance that the children are not going to be exposed to any life­style­ that is unacceptable. Secondly prepare your kids to bring any concerns to you - at their ages they will be able to let you know anything that concerns them. As parents we often agree to our children going to play and even stay at other childrens households - we dont know if those parents hold convictions but we rely on our kids being at an age and having our level of acceptable standards - to let us know if anything happens that isnt OK.

At least you know this information which means you can be vigilant but I would agree with Fiona - work with their mother on this one. Regards
Rasher

Hi Rasher
I dont no him very well was told by ex it was 20 years ago and he wasn`t doing it any more,she said he served 13 for dealing, his ex phoned me this am and said he was reliesed in 1991 he served 13 months of a 3 year sentence for dealing acid and is using skunk now and dealing to his neighbours, he`s not able to see one of his son`s cos he threatened to kill the mother so i am a little worried as ex is accepting that he`s a changed man and doesn`t use anything anymore, ex won`t talk to me so dont no who to believe or do

Hi Kato

I see yr dilemma,yr wife is likely to be very optimistic about this man and his ex is likely to be very pessimisitc all things considering - the truth is probably somewhere in between. Reading between the lines things have probably just come to a head right now and you might need a bit of time to let the dust settle. Yr wife realises she has been caught out by you shes probably aware that this doesnt reflect well on her and the attempts to have an amicable divorce. She has to take seriously yr concerns - maybe you should see if you can negotiate that she doesnt see the children with this guy for at least a few months on the grounds that the kids arent ready to meet a new partner yet. That way everyone gets a bit of time to think things through. Hope it gets sorted out for you - Rasher