In April, my ex requested that our children stay with him every other weekend, for 2 weeks in the summer and stay over at his house every other christmas eve until late afternoon christmas day. In court I agreed to the former 2 and stated that I would only agree to the christmas contact if the children also agreed...the court order was written up and states that he has them every other weekend and for 2 weeks in summer, and that all other arrangements be agreed between the 2 of us.

When I spoke to the children, they agreed to the christmas contact, but since then my youngest has told me that he wants to stay with me christmas eve...I told my ex who as usual, became abusive and called me selfish, etc. Now my son says he will stay with his dad, but I think he is doing so to not upset his dad... I'm really upset about this now, obviously I'd rather the children stay with me christmas eve as they have always done, but I'm not sure what my best course of action would be?

Anyone had any similar dilemmas and can offer any advice? Would be greatly appreciated

The amount of contact the Children are having with their father is considerably less than with you. Christmas is always hard for everyone. Giving children the choice, unless they are over the age of 15, is not the right approach.

It is up to you as a parent to do what is best for them. In the main this means they should see each of you as much as possible and special times like Christmas must be shared.

If you can't do every other Christmas and sort it out between you and ex, and encourage the children that they will have a great time when not with you (and he do the same when they are not with him), then your course of action is to join the lengthy line-up of parents in court who can't agree Christmas arrangements.

You won't stand a chance of a court date this years, so I guess you can book for next year.

We do already share special occasions and it has always gone smoothly until my ex requested the overnight stay....They usually go to their dads early christmas morning then return in the afternoon. My issue isn't him seeing them at christmas, it's the fact that my son is unsettled by it. I want to sort this out without going back to court. It isn't me that I can't do every other christmas, it's my ex being unreasonable and considering his own wants over the kids... I merely wanted personal experiences of others in this situation as it is tricky to deal with when all you want is what's best for your children.

Well, I have to say that it sounds like you are being equally unreasonable. What is the problem with the overnight stay?

I won't be surprised to hear that your son's reason for being unsettled is he is worried that Santa won't know what house to come to with his gifts.

You made an agreement, you need to stick with it. The consent order was that you should work it out between the two of you, not by reference to the children. I know I am not appearing to be supoportive on this, but the children are going to be losers in this if you allow them to dictate the terms of Christmas contact.

I would tend to agree. By giving your son the choice you've almost implied to him that staying with his Dad isn't the best option. He shouldn't be made to choose. I would reassure him that it'll be great to spend xmas eve with Dad for a change and that he'll be with you next year.

You can have your own christmas day with him too. Remember you're gonna be in your ex's position next year, don't make it so that every christmas is a battle and your son begins to resent it.

Sorry if I sound harsh, i understand your concerns.

The reason that it was left to the children to decide whether they stay overnight is because they have never done so before, as their dad has never asked them to before...my children are 12 and 9, hardly babies and at the time and the decision to ask them was made by myself, the Judge and my ex's solicitor...it was not taken lightly but deemed the best option all round. And yes I have to say that you do sound harsh not knowing the situation in full...as I say my ex has never wanted this contact until this year because he has a new girlfriend! And they were not "made to choose" they were asked how they felt about staying the night at their dads, which as I say they were ok with but my son is now having doubts. Nothing was actually finally agreed between me and my ex, so I am not backing out of anything. All I asked was if anyone had been in a similar situation!

Just to add, I have been the one actively encouraging the childrens father to have contact with them since we separated in 2004, he refused to ever have them overnight until this year when he moved in with a new girlfriend. Can you see why I am confused about what to do?