Hi There,

I moved out of my home in feb, and am moving into my new place where my son can come stay with me on saturday (my son is 2). I've gone along with my ex's rules around access - two evenings a week, saturday 2-6 with no overnight contact.

My question is - do I have to go along with her rules? why does she get to say how often I can see my son? Can I say now that I have my own place and somewhere to take him that I will now be having him overnight and that he will come to me on the mon and weds rather than me going to her? What are my realistic options?

Thanks, and feel free to tell me if the answer is no - Honest answers always appreciated!

Chris

Hi Chris,

I am in a similar situation and it seems to depend on the mothers wishes. I have been told by solicitor to currently abide by her terms which mean access at the former matrimonal home 2 evenings a week and sunday all these with ex present. I have no tiime to bond with my son and to achieve this I have been told mediation which is costly and I know she wont agree and then courts (great more expense) I owuld love to be amicable and just have my son overnight but it very much depends on your reltaionship with your ex and her wishes.

Sorry Chris

Hi Chris, I saw ur post and couldn't stop myself replying as I want to help you. I was exactly in same position last year until 3rd april that I was doing what my ex say about kids but I know this is very wrong. I admit I made a big mistake. Initially she let me see 3-4 hours a week and than when she got upset with something, she stoped the contact altogether. I have no option than to go to court. You can see my post on my profile, I went for shared residenct and atleast 2-3 nights a week and in the end i got all what i wanted.. never give up mate and try yolur best.. they are your kids and you have to bond with them no matter what your stbx does...

I did self rep during the whole process and court hearings. So It cost me nothing apart from paying court fee £175.
You can PM me if you need further information.

Hi Sun shadow I am in a similar situation please could you describe what exactly needs to be done. Everything is on exs terms and I dont want to rock the boat as wont see my son

Like many parenting issues there is no right or wrong about contact, just people with different attitudes. This is reflected in the legal profession, CAFCASS (the organisation which advises courts) and the judiciary. In fact ­base­d on research, CAFCASS suggest contact little and often for very young children and under threes might find overnights difficult. See page 4 Time for Children download here;

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/publications/leaflets_for_adults.aspx

What you need to remember is that there are many years of parenting and it will make life easier for everyone and maintain the quality of contact if both parents can rub along. Perhaps you need to negotiate a compromise to start taking your son to your home during the existing contact and gradually building up the time during the day and eventually to include overnights.

Hi Fiona,

Thanks for this. I've read that through and it all makes sense, the parents should agree between them where possible and bear in mind the needs of the child at all times. However in circumstances such as ours where the mother is not doing so, what are the options? If we can also provide a safe and comfortable environment for the child, are we still at the mercy of an unco-operative and vindictive mother, or is there anything we can do?

I'm missing my son hugely, and he cries his eyes out when i have to leave without putting him to bed - my ex enjoys the power she has over me. I currently see him at hers monday and weds nights, can I have him at mine instead, as I know she won't agree - she'd lose her opportunities to heap on the criticism and humiliation.

Is it simply that I have to suck it up in order to see my son and wait for the court process to run its course (Not really started yet, we were waiting to see if she'd go for a second mediation session, due in Oct - she says she will make a decision on whether she will go in the new year).

Thanks for your advices

Chris

Unfortunately unless there is a court order in place there is no legal obligation for your ex wife to make the child available for contact. If you make an application for an order there is no guarantee it won't take months to sort out (see mickyb's thread) and you may find there is no or little contact in the interim. For the reasons I outlined above there is also no guarantee you would be granted overnights. You can't make someone who is being unreasonable reasonable, and in some cases neither can the courts.

If she refuses to budge so you can't take the children to your own home then you have little option other than go through the courts. On the other hand if you conceding overnights for, say, six months means she would agree to your son going to your home and after Christmas gradually increasing the time during the day it could be a way forward.