Hi -

long story - but kids and i finally managed to leave after several months of hell living in same house as angry, bitter and abusive stbx.
Then stbx tried to commit suicide (has been suicidal for months - have notes etc etc).
Also threats of fights through court for sole residency on part of stbx. Claims a great dad etc etc etc.
however on grpund did nothing for the kids on a day to day basis - just aprox 30 mins a day of attention.
Given the suicide and fight for residency and the depths of his anger the court awarded me an order where stbx cannot remove kids from my care. At the same time he was offered daily contact in a neutral location which I could supervise. Kids phone often but the call is never picked up and they leave a message which they are finding really hard.

However, he is refusing all contact - refuses to speak to or see the kids while there is a PSO in place. So on one hand - the need for the PSO is real and for the kids protection. On the other they also have a right to see and/or speak to their dad.

For the kids to be able to see their dad I would need to ask the court to drop the PSO - but if I do that then what is there to protect them - and me?

Help.

Hi,

Sorry to hear of your troubles but you have to be strong for you and the children.

Ask yourself what he is doing. Why is he refusing to answer the phone, or see the children in a supervised environment?

My ex brought the children back at Christmas last year and told them that he wasn't going to see them any more (he wasn't happy that my daughter was seeing a play therapist to help her with the divorce - well that was the last thing that wound him up, me just being alive was enough to do that).

I said to my solicitor that I wasn't happy for my ex to have unspervised contact any more as he was emotionally abusing the children, he had a drink problem and was also a heavy gambler. He was not in a good place and I didn't want my 5 children (now between the ages of 2 and 12) being exposed to this kind of behaviour.

I offered the contact centre or nothing, as I felt the children still needed to see their father but in a supervised environment and because of his abuse towards me that no longer worked in the FMH.

He refused and it was only when the Nisi got to court that the judge ordered a contact hearing because the ex wasn't seeing the children. Not sure how long he would have not seen them had the judge not stepped in, which my solicitor said was unusual.

Sorry but he is trying to control you and the children by doing what he is doing.

How old are the children? Eventually my older 2 have come to realise that their father only wants them in his life for a minimal amount of time (12 hours a month). That is a sad thing to admit but I have done the guilt and the excuses as to why he won't see them more than this.

There comes a time when you just have to be there for your children to pick up the pieces and realise that you have to protect them the best way you can.

I don't regret anything that I done with regards to contact even though I never got ex to have supervised contact I got a defined contact order which doesn't allow him to do certain things. I have to make the children available for contact but he doesn't have to turn up (understand that if you will!)

Personally I would keep the PSO in place, the judge wouldn't have given it lightly. Maybe your ex will realise that you are not going to play his games or maybe he will realise that he needs help in dealing with the attempted suicides etc.

Feeling guilty because your children don't see their Dad is a hard one, I have been there but you just have to keep reminding yourself why you are doing it. He has the opportunity to see and speak to them even with a court order, you are not stopping contact, remember that.

Leave the ball in his court and just be there for your children as best you can.

I really wish you all the best.

xx Sarah xx