have been reading up on this parent alination syndrome.
does anyone know more on this.
i hold my hands up and admit i find it hard to talk to my husband - he left 6 months ago - no indication at first that it was as serious as ending our marriage but 6 weeks after he left he had made his mind up - no discussions or chances to sort things out - so i admit i feel hurt and dissapointed and let down by him.
But from day 1 i have never stopped him from seeing daughter.
after reading more on this subject - perhaps feeling bit paranoid now - i would hate to think that i might be (unknowinly) doing this - i hope not. But perhaps some of you wise people out there have had some experience of this. please tell me if you think i am handling things wrongly.

1.current contact situation - no discussions between parents (just going along with things) - first of all dad works late at times and away - meetings crop up etc. daughter almost 10 gets invites to sleepovers, teas and trips out from friends - i am happy for the two of them to arrange between them and if daughter has to let him down i always ask her to arrange with him another day/time.

2 daughter has various activites she has been going to for years and at times after school clubs crop up that she wants to go to - am i right in letting her decide what she wants to go to - or should i say well no you cant do that as you need to make time for dad.
he has never shown much of a interest in the activites she attends - and is now threatening to take car away from us so that she will likley have to stop attending clubs she has been part of for last 3-4 years. Have to say im a bit annoyed at that - have asked him if he would then take over these when we have no car - could be incorporated into his dad days - feel he should take more of a interest in these things but obviously cant force him. Feel very sorry for daughter as she has worked hard at some of these things and not my fault they may have to stop.

3 school holidays - 13 weeks ive asked him to do 5 i will do 5 and childcare for remaining 3. He says he will take her for 2 weeks and find his own childcare for the other 3 - some people say i cant force him - but feel sad for daughter as it would be good quality time for them to be together. Should i just accept his offer of 2 weeks and take on board the rest myself.

4 overnight stays - at the moment he does not have a home i offered to move out of home everyother weekend to let him stay in MH - but absolutly now way will he do this.

5 daughters birthday party - he has booked big party for her - but im not invited at all - felt for 1 special day
could have made the effort to show a united frount but ive been excluded from this. He knows i cant afford the party - i appreciate he is doing it for her but feel daughter would benefit from parents being together (only 2 hours after all) ive got to accept this

i feel i have tried very hard to put as much contact as i can on offer -
but after reading information on this syndrome just wondered if i was showing signs of using daughter to get back at him. I dont think i am but yet sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to point mistakes out.

i dont talk badly of dad in frount of her - truth be known i still love him very much - i dont like him for putting us in this situation i feel very tired and exhausted because of all the worry and the only break i get is the 5-8 hours a week he sees daughter. I know perhaps i am not seeing things as clear as i could be because of the overwhelming pressure im under. But would hate to think i am showing signs of this.

breakdown in communiction between us is mostly down to the way he talks to me - it is always with anger - but i have done nothing - but i guess im the only person he can direct anger about situation to - so bearing the brunt of this as well - so choose now not to talk if i can help it as so worn down by situation - i know this does not help daughter much.

i realise this parent alination syndrome is where mothers use the children to turn them against the fathers.
i dont think im doing this - but when i sit back and look at things im always using situation with daughter to ask dad to do things like if he takes car away can he take over activites, can he take her everyother weekend can he take her for 5 weeks school holidays -
these were all things i thought he would jump at the chance to do -

sorry if i have ranted on - and hope above makes sence. i dont think my actions would turn daughter away from her dad - it is most definatly not my intention -

no you are in no way trying to alienate your daughter from her dad.Gold star for you.You look like a very reasonable and well balanced lady.

I wouldn't get overly concerned. There is no doubt some parents will use children as a weapon against the other parent but despite all the hype there is little in the way of empirical data for or against the theory of parental alienation. If anyone knows of any I would be interested to hear.

In highly conflicted divorce it isn't uncommon for parents to slate the other and make things difficult but it appears that on it's own it isn't enough, only a small proportion of children reject a parent completely without explanation. Some children may be angry, but anger is usually a secondary emotion to pain, hurt and insecurity and the children experience ambivalent feelings.

It's important to take a neutral look at what is actually happening to children in the context of the family, and the contribution of both parents and children to the problem. Sometimes children's developmental stage might be a factor and other times the NRP of either gender may be the architect of their own rejection.

Education and/or counselling for parents can go a long way to prevent problems with children of separated families and if there are signs of trouble professional help such as family therapy before the situation becomes entrenched is effective.

I won't bore you with the detail but earlier this year the Royal College of Psychiatrists warned psychiatrists involved in court work about going beyond professional expertise with novel conditions such as many 'syndromes' for which there is an uncertain evidence ­base­ or a condition, which there are no recognised diagnostic criteria, or no general agreement to the syndrome’s nature, or even no agreement as to its existence.

I too have been reading up on PAS. It seems that although PAS is common to many of us it is not yet recognised as a syndrome but boy when its at its worse it really does have some serious affects. It doesn't sound at all like you are guilty of it and I am of the same mind of many women - kids need their dads and should see us parents working together not against each other. My boys dad isn't interested in seeing them and hasn't for nearly 5 years. My husband has 2 children and their mum has tried for 7 years to make the children hate him and anthing or anyone associated with him. I get called everything under the sun, my boys get called the same, my husband, his family, my family, anything we do for them is slated - we had his 6 year old son's haircut recently and she told him that it's a bit of a mess but will do for now - she even told the kids that my husband said they were mistakes - she really is the pits but what goes around comes around and my husbands daughter has now said she doesn't want to live with her anymore - she's only 9 so we are fighting for minimum shared residency and shared contact.
You should feel proud that you are being cautious enough to ensure that you are doing the best you can for your daughter - good for you

Having had my daughter systematically aleination against me by my ex husband i for one know that it definatley exists!!

He was definatley instumental in the breakdown of my relationship with my daughter.

I find it disheatening that according to Fiona

'the Royal College of Psychiatrists warned psychiatrists involved in court work about going beyond professional expertise with novel conditions such as many 'syndromes' for which there is an uncertain evidence ­­base­­ or a condition, which there are no recognised diagnostic criteria, or no general agreement to the syndrome’s nature, or even no agreement as to its existence'

Just because no one has dedicated the time or had the money to research the'syndrome' doesn't mean it doesn't exist........

(Where would we be if someone had said 'there is no evidence to suggest caner exists!!' and we had never done any research in to the disease)

But to basically ask the professionals to 'dismiss' the 'sydrome' beacause there are no recognised methods to diagnose it means that many of our children are being failed by our legal system.

There are varying degress of parental alienation.....it happens over time and quite often before you realise what is happening its too late.

Without people being made aware of what parental alienation is.....how to recognise the signs.....and having a legal system in place to put a stop to it....i feel that this situation will only get worse and long term will have a major impact on our society and the way relationships are formed.

Tinkerbelle .....i think as people we know in our own hearts whether we have 'done our best'......which you seem to have done.........if only more parents(both mums and dads) would adopt this attitude and put their children first.


Cat