I have two children 2 and 4. STBX visits them for a couple of hours every 2 weeks.

I want to extend the length of his visits, both for them (they ask for him all the time) and to give me a bit of a break, but whenever I've raised the topic in the past he hasn't been v co-operative. He has another family and doesn't want to give up anytime with them to be with my children.

Any ideas?

hi
new here!!
but maybe offer a reduction in any maintenence he pays? i know its not right,as if you're paying him to see his kids....but it may be that he can't afford much in relation to the extra food/petrol etc,involved with seeing them. especially as he has another set of kids to provide for too? just a thought.

Hiya Tam,
I don't have any advice, but just wanted to sympathise!!My ex is great when he is with the children, but seems to think his new family comes before my children and they have to fit around his schedule!!He has them every other weekend (he used to have them one day in the week aswell)
I have no comprehension as to why men do this, it all really upsets my children. I had thought of going to the courts and getting a court order to set down when he should see them as I had heard the childrens wishes should come before his? Would be interested to know the viability, workability of this theory.Also there is a danger that this will have a detrimental effect on the children, which I would not wish in any way.

I know how important "you" time is, perhaps you could put the children into a good nursery 1 day a week like I did, just to give yourself a break??

Good luck, and just remember, your ex is doing himself no favours with the children. As they get older they will work out who has always been there for them and there adoration of their father will diminish. Why is it always the children who suffer?

Keep smiling-it does get better, Honest

C x

Hi,

I offered my ex more contact with our 5 children. He said that he could not commit to any more and I was asking too much of him, what with work, his new partner, cricket, fishing, golf etc. He also works with his new wife, so sees her a lot at work too. He said did I not think he was en­title­d to a social life as well after working hard?

He sees my children on 6 Sundays for 7 hours and 4 Fridays for 2 hours in a 16 week period that works around his work rota. So on average 12 hours a month or 10 times in 4 months.

I really tried hard to get him to see them more often but in the end you have to stop feeling guilty for what you think the children are missing and accept that is all he is offering.

Again, I understand the need for "ME" time. This again is something that is important, especially with having children so young.

I don't have all the answers, sadly. I am lucky that I have family close to me but I did have to realise and I do have to ask for my "ME" time.

Do you go to toddler groups and get out with other Mums? Maybe you could make friends and gradually build a babysitting circle or similar or just not be so isolated even if you do have the children with you.

Take care.

xx Sarah xx

Hi Tam

Why can't he have his children more and involve them with the 'new family'??? He is being completely selfish.
You can always make time for your children.

Is it do you think because he seriously does not have time, or does the new gf not want him to have them 'too' much?
He is the father of your children, first and foremost and should remember that.

Your children would probably have a great time, and you need time to breath too.

Does he live far away??

zara

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for you help and advice. This site is great as I no longer feel so alone in all this.

Unfortunately offering to reduce maintenance won't help as money is no issue for him. Distance is also no barrier. The problem is his new family - he can't integrate my children into it because then he would have to explain to the children and their new friends why he has two children of a very similar age with different mothers.

I don't want to be unreasonable, but i don't feel that my children should suffer because of his actions and his weaknesses now. We are lucky that we have family nearby and lots of friends. Unforunately all the children we know have dads and they are often present so it makes my children feel they are missing out, so they ask for daddy more. They love him and I really believe that he enjoys the time he spends with them. But he has the ability to switch off whan he says goodbye and forget about them until his next visit.

I really don't think 2 hours a fortnight is sufficient. I'm not unreasonable. He plays sport on the other weekends so I don't expecthim to come every weekend, but I do want him to spend longer with them on the weekends that he does see them. I'm jusd scared he will get nasty and the kids will suffer more if i don't go about this in the right way. It's a very scarey thing when you are playing with your children's happiness.

Hi Tam

It is so hard for children to understand any of the "new" arrangements, I really feel for them - trying to work out in their wee heads why things are differnet - yours are so young that their routine is shot.

I dont know how you can make him see them more - there are plenty of people on this site in the same boat as you - and also lots of parents (usually dads) who dont get to see their kids enough.

There is another poston here with the same theme about why they dont want to see their kids more. Have a wee read - cannot remember the ­title­ - something about "advice from men" its good and may help you.

He may change his mind - but your children will settle down with their new routine, you NEED to find something for you - your children are small and need you - but you need some respite, others have said - find some support and take it when you can get it.

Keep posting and reading - I hope your ex comes to his senses - he is a fool if he does not.

(((hugs)))
Jolly