Hi There,

I have a 2 year old (sept birthday) son, have been seperated from my ex since start of feb. I currently see my son monday, weds and saturdays, for 1.5 hours on the weekdays and 4 hours on the sat.

On the weds I help my ex put him to bed, I change him, dress him, read him a story, with the theory being that this will help him adjust when he stays overnight with me. This was reccomended by the mediation service in the one mediation we had with them.

I now have my own place with a room for my son, but my ex won't allow me any more contact than i currently have. She has told the mediation service she will make a decision on whether we go back for mediation in the new year (We were supposed to go back for our second session in october).

What do I do? There are no real reasons not to allow me contact other than that my ex wants him all the time - my son loves me to bits, and I'm desperate to get to spend more quality time with him. My ex and I are civil but not overly friendly, and obviously my weekday evenings are spent at her house, with her and one of her parents there also.

I'm at a loss as to what I do - do i wait til jan to see if she will do mediation, or do I start court proceedings? The longer it takes, the harder it will be for him to adjust, and the harder it is for me, not seeing enough of him.

Thanks for your advices!

Chris

I would ask her to make a committment to go to mediation with you to discuss it.
The delay to mediation and the "I will decide in the New Year" bit sound v controlling.
Try to keep it positive and be as reasonable as you can. Much better to avoid Court if poss

Good luck

do you have parental responsibility?..... Yes try to keep it out of the courts (the courts cost and take much time) why not put forward to your ex what you see as fair and reasonable
over night contact with your son, ask her what see thinks is fair and reasonable, book another mediation session as soon as possible (never mind waiting for the new year!)
see how that turns out ................ if your not happy then contact a Solicitor . hope this helps, all the best to you .

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

When I had the same issues, I tried the mediation route etc. After 18 months of being totally manipulated and having the children used as a weapon constantly I went to Court.

It obviously depends on how reasonable your ex is. I found that the more I tried to please her in order to get "permission" to see the kids the worse and more controlling she became.

I understand why people advise to stay away from the courts.

I spent 2 days visiting every solicitor in my area and took the best solicitor with me to court and got the contact order I wanted.
Saying all of this, contact orders are only worth the paper they are written on as long as your ex is intimidated by it.

From my experience do not give in to her. All you can do is try your hardest and I am afraid the only thing these manipulative ex's of ours understand is to show them how serious you are.


good luck

Basically, she doesnt want me to have my son overnight at all, no reason other than she wants him all the time and spite.

I would rather do the whole mediation route in everything but she wants to do it all through solicitors which is expensive and makes the whole thing really adversarial.

She has said to mediation that she won't go at the moment and will make a decision as to whether she will go at some point, in the new year - I dont want to hang about until she decides if she will or not come to mediation, I want to see more of my son.

she is very controlling, I think she's enjoying the power she has over me to deny me access to my son - I'm at a loss to know what to do about it though....

Screen2 - I've tried to be reasonable, but she won't countanance any overnight stays at all, or increase the amount of time i can spend with him - and I want at least two nights a week. She won't compromise or help in any way.

I really dont know what to do any more.

Thanks all for your help and opinions!

Just a quick one Chris 33, are you in a new relationship is she feeling threatened by this, if you are perhaps say for the first overnight stays your new partner will not be there.

Also, remind her that if it does go to court you may be likely to get more overnight stays than you are currently getting and tell her to think of the long term impact to her children

I am going to play devils advocate here for just one minute.

My youngest daughter (of 5 children) was 2 in September as well. As a mother I would find it extremely hard to let her have regular overnight contact with her father, the same would be said of my 3 year old as well.

My ex husband in fact doesn't have any of my children over night (has had the 10 & 12 year old once for one night in 16 months of being seperated).

I do understand that every seperation is different and the input that the father has put in prior to seperation with the child(ren) needs to be taken into account.

As a mother, maybe she is worried about what happens when they wake up in the middle of the night, or won't settle to sleep, or that Daddy just doesn't know how to do that special thing that settles them back to sleep.

Depending on why you split up, she may have issues about your son being away from her for so long. This will come in time. I left my 2 yo along with her brothers and sisters overnight with my parents for the first time in September which was probably a bigger thing for me than the children.

Maybe your ex is saying hold off on mediation to put a bit more distance between the seperation. You have what some would class as reasonable contact with your son. My children see their father for approx. 12 hours a month (his choice).

Maybe knowing that you have a workable contact routine at the moment you say that you will review contact in the new year owing to several factors 1) the dust will have had longer to settle & 2) your son maybe more settled and you will have had time to appreciate his betime routine etc.

one question I might ask though, is why one of her parents have to be present all the time. I would have thought that if she was not happy to be in the same space as you then she would not invite you into her home (I use this term losely, I know it maybe your house legally). At the beginning my ex came to the house and this was very strained and didn't last too long but I never had someone present and I have a history of intimidation and harassment from my ex.

Don't let the situation continue but as your son is so young, maybe draw up a schedule of reviews as your son reaches certain milestones so that you can adapt contact to suit his age.

Like I say, I am not siding with your ex, just trying to give a view from the other side.

My new partner is in the middle of his divorce and talks to me about contact issues as his ex is maybe in a similar position as I was in 16 months ago (although my new partner is a much better Dad than my ex ever will be).

When we seperate, whoever instigated it, tensions are running high and we don't always see things as maybe we normally would. We want to protect our children and maybe that is part of it. They are innocent in all of this.

I really hope that in the long term that you can resolve this issue without the need for court. Believe me, I have been there and that could be put down as one of, if not, the worst day of my life.

Going to court over the children is horrible (sometimes it is a necessary evil) and who really wins? Whilst all this is going on the emotions are very hard to deal with. I just think that maybe if you rock the boat too much at this stage that she may withdraw contact even further and who is that going to help?

I have seen it in too many stories on here. Sometimes you have to realise that you are not always going to get exactly what you want. I wanted my ex to see more of his children for their sake, but he was never going to agree to it, so in the end I have accepted that for what it is and will hopefully provide my children with the stability they don't get from having a more involved relationship with their father.

Sorry, I have gone on a bit now, hopefully playing devils advocate may just have helped you see something that is of benefit to you in the long term.

I know it is hard where your children are concerned. That is what made my divorce as emotional as it was, wanting to do the best by my children.

Regards Sarah