My ex husband and I are trying to be sensible most of the time, however the biggest arguements come with regard to his girlfriend being with the children. He has admitted to me he has little feeling for her but has moved in with her anyway as it is cheaper for him than where he was living. She lives around 40 miles away from my home and he wants me to allow him the same over night access as before even on a school night. I think this is unacceptable yet he claims that if he takes it to court then the court would rule we have joint custody (which I dont believe we do) and where he takes the children to stay during his time with them is upto him. He had only known this woman about a week before he was staying there on an almost full time basis, he cant really know her and I'm expected to leave my 5 children with her. Is he right though, or would the courts see that I'm trying to look out for the welfare of my children and side with me on this issue? I'm not trying to stop him from seeing them, just taking them miles away on a school night.

In addition he took them to her house for the last weekend when I said he couldn't but as I had arranged to go away I didnt find out until I came back, a point which he lied over as I asked and he said no, yet my daughter told me they had. When I asked one of my older sons, he asked me not to ask as Dad had said not to tell! I do not know where she lives and was supposed to see today but as I am feeling unwell, I cancelled it saying I'd take them to her house on Saturday. My ex is supposed to have the children tonight and I'm now left with the choice of letting them go miles away or not letting them go tonight.

If you can offer any help or advice I'd be very greatful.

Thanks Chel

New partners are a potential minefield and a factor in many highly conflicted divorces. Often new partners (or indeed friends and family) take on disputes as their own inflaming the situation. This becomes like tribal warfare and the negative impact on the emotional well being of children is legendary. It would be sensible to sort out the finances and establish arrangements for children first so every family member has time to readjust to the breakup. Children, particularly preadolescents and adolescents, may be angry and make their own judgements. They can resent being introduced to someone soon after their parents separate and blame the new partner for the breakup of the family.

However, both parents have Parental Responsibility and are equal so unless there are very exceptional circumstances one cannot say who or when the other parent introduces someone or what they do in their contact time. What needs to be remembered is you will be parenting together for years to come and you should not let him insisting on introducing his new partner be the start of a cycle of provocation and retaliation. It certainly isn't something worth going to court about. I would let him get on with it and accept parents have different attitudes. He is likely to come to the conclusion taking the children miles away on a school night isn't ideal of his own accord.

It is totally understandable to be concerned about where your children are going to be sleeping when they are with your ex.

Not sure of the legalities, but if you have 5 children I assume he will have to be able to prove that he can accommodate them all comfortably.
I assume you have at least a 3 bedroom???? Therefore you will be able to prove that each have their own space and bed. Can he provide this for them at her house? Where are they all going to sleep - on the floor, on the sofa?

If he has not known this woman long, if they do not have suitable bed space, I assume he will find it difficult to convince a court this is a good arrangment.

The children have had enough disruption with the breakdown of your marriage, at the moment they need stability.

You will need to post their ages too.

Yummy

thanks for the advice!

As for ages they are 11,9,8,5 and 4. At the weekend the 9,5 and 4 yr olds shared a bed, the 8yr old had to sleep on the floor and the 11 yr old slept on a mattress on the foot plate of a running machine. The eldest is currently having health problems and needs a full skeletal scan tomorrow afternoon. I just want to be sure they are safe!

There is little more damaging to children's welfare than their divorced parents being in high conflict and resorting to courts tends to leave people feeling resentful and resistant. It's difficult, I know, but in most circumstances it's best to trust the other parent to parent to the best of their ability in their time. Lots of children sleep in make shift beds and actually enjoy the novelty of it.

After a few weeks of getting five children up and ready for school 40 miles away on cold and dark mornings I bet father and girlfriend will have a rethink. In fact I'm a great believer in reverse psychology and I would be suggesting increasing contact to two nights after school and if it's a shared residency arrangement they take your D for the skeletal scan.

I think the girlfriend should have a medal if she wants to take on five of her partners kids every other weekend and one night a week.I'd personally be legging it for the hilltops screaming!!
I think the novelty will wear off very quickly on that one.
Just enjoy the break it won't be for long!
All the best
Pete xx

Hi Chel,

Tiz only me hun. How are you? Well you know what I think about the whole thing seen as we are both in a simular situation and know each other well.

As hard and difficult as it is everyone has a point that needs to be taken on board........I personaly feel its too soon and children need time to adjust! Which of course given time everyone would, but on the other hand a relationship that is not going to last can have even more impact on children and it will be you who will have to pick up those pieces!

The chances are with time that relationship like all his others will fall apart. Nothing in life is fair (you know this more than most!) we just do are best. You are your childrens rock and you know where I am if you need to chat on the phone. Every thing he does is to get at you he is a sad and lonely individual and from the same pod as my s2bx.

Give me a call sometime and hope to see you soon.... need a girls night out!

Cinders xxxxx