Sorry this is a long one and similar to the original post I made – but my husband is now taking me to court for contact. I have never denied him contact!

At 8 months pregnant with IVF twins I discovered my husband of 4 1/2 years (10 years together) was seeing another woman - so we separated. I effectively threw him out and he now pays £300 a week to live in a bedsit near me in the city.
He sent me a lawyers letter 2 days after I left hospital.
He was seeing the children 3 times a week on average - sometimes 4 times and sometimes 2. He was coming to my flat in the evenings or he was taking them to the nearest park- but I generally insisted on being there too as I CANNOT bear to be separated from them on a regular basis. He spends 2-3 hours at a time with them – usually broken by his work commitments. I have been to our holiday home in the country twice for 1 week each time and he did not make the effort to come and see them. The babies are now nearly six months. I suggested mediation which we had been attending (he reluctantly), but after every session he threatened court. The mediator said contact should be small amounts and regular. He finally cancelled mediation about 1 ½ months ago. I have been staying in our country home for 1 ½ months for the holidays (this was the plan before we split). He has taken a temporary job – he works in film and tv – out of London and says I have made it impossible for him to see them – though I have repeatedly said he can see them any time. I do not drive (he does) and thought it was unreasonable for him to ask me and the babies to commute by train and bus so he could see them. At the moment he works 6 day weeks 6am -11pm etc.
He says he wants 50/50 custody as soon as possible and overnight stays imminently (i.e when I stop breast feeding). He says he has been advised he may be better off going to court and is in a good position. He says we may be a test case and he would get joint residency at such a young age. We both have lawyers. I have no money, he has a lot of family money.
We jointly own a holiday home in the country 3 hours from London. I have a small one bedroom housing association flat in the city. He plans to move 5 minutes from me if i stay in London. I have been told that I will not get legal aid even if I live in the country house as we have a small mortgage of £26k (house worth £190k)

Questions I need answering;

I think he is going for contact now but guess he will then go for residence when they are 2/3?????? What are the lawyers costs going to end up being!

I cannot afford to pay my lawyer much longer, what can I do. I do not know how i will cope with self repping with two tiny babies to care for!

If we go to court will he have to pay my costs? Is this unlikely?

What do I suggest re contact. I will not want him in my flat anymore, the nearest contact centre seems to only be open on a sat am. I now think I will offer once a week for 2 hrs and a Sat afternoon every other weekend? Is this unreal. It is far less than before but I was conceding all the hours just so he would not take me to court

What are the stats on 50/50 custody? I will do anything to avoid this. What will happen if I move to the country - re visits then overnight stays with him. I cannot bear the thought of being separated from my children when they are so young.

I think I will have to move into the country house as otherwise a judge will order it sold and then the money will have to go on my lawyer’s fees.

HELP! This is crushing me......

I would suggest that the courts will lean in favour of you due to the babies ages and especially if you are breast feeding. A court will always consider what is best for the children and not what is best for the adults. Contact has to be productive and practical. A court will also have to apply a no order principle and only grant an order if it is necessary. If it feels you are allowing adequete contact it will have no reason to make an order. Joint residence is something your ex can apply for and would probably get if his circumstances were right and if it was in the best interest of the children This is probably not in their interest at this moment in time due to their age. Whilst solicitors are always best in these matters there is nothing stopping you representing yourself. Many people dont realise this and as the courts are looking for what is best for the children they are very tolerant of parents acting for themselves. Good luck

HiYummy, I'm so very sorry to hear the situation you're in.

However, i think you answered your own question without realising it. He's after joint custody, to be honest I can't see a court allowing that, take it as you don't mention it that you aren't working. A non working mum neary always gets custody of the children with visitation rights of the NRP.

BUT as you said he works from 6am till 11pm HOW can he look after the children when he's at work, put them in nursery? As opposed to a mum who will be at home. I can't see this happening till they are at least 4-5. I oculd be wrong but I'm sure others will be able to advise you more.

Take care honey

Ninja

Hi Yummy Mummy,

The courts usually take the view that the child, where practical, should have the oportunity to develop a good relationship with both parents. Although previous posts are correct - while the kids are so young and still breast feeding he is unlikely to achieve 50/50.

You probably need to come to terms with the fact that in the long term he has a chance of achieving what he wants because the courts see it as in the best interests of the children. He will be stating what he wants up front with a view to building up to it over the coming months. In the short term I would think his main aim is to be able to have a few hours alone with the children.

There is a small inconsistency in your post - You state that you supervise contact because you hate being seperated from the babes (understandable at this age!). But then you are talking about contact centres - ie where someone else supervises. So my question is does he NEED to be supervised? Think carefully about this, contact centres will not be wonderful for the children. Perhaps a couple of hours alone with thier Daddy will help them to develop their relationship.
Also on this subject, contact centres are not a long term solution - after a couple of months if he can prove he can look after them he will get unsupervised contact so all will happen is you delay the inevitable, you need to ask yourself it is worth putting the kids through this.

Back to the long term - if he wants 50/50 he will have to demonstrate that he can actually do it. it's going to be very difficult for him with his current working situation. You know him best - will he actually be willing to overturn his life­style­ to achieve it?

Last thing - I don't know if you realise it but your post focuses strongly on YOUR reasons for not wanting your ex to have more contact ("I CANNOT bear to be separated from them on a regular basis"). If it goes to court they will want to know why it is not in the best interests for the children to have more contact, not you. Again, this is something you will need to think carefully about.

Sorry for such a long post! Lots of issues to address - I know some of it may not be what you want to hear but the advice is genuine. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Sunny x

Hi yummy

my ex took me to court 3 times regarding contact i never denied him access , he denied himself he was given every other weekend friday 6pm til sunday 8pm i did ask for it to be changed slightly due to daughter's brownies so it was fri 8pm til sunday 6pm.By him taking me to court the relationship between me and him was damaged forever , given the young ages of the children i can't see him getting over night contact and don't let noone suggest you can express milk for over night contact you are a human not a cow.When will he have the time to have the children over night given his working hours.Although you do need to let dad see his children they are as much his as they are yours and you are going to be away from them in the future when they go to school etc.. and dad needs to have a regular commitment to his children.

­base­d on what you said I think the court thing is rather ridiculous right now and probably designed to intimidate you.

From your side you need, as someone said, to focus on the best thing for your children and not on your feelings about being separated from them for any time. It is best and right for them to have a relationship with both parents and both parents need to facilitate that - you by putting your personal feelings aside and him by organising his working life to make regular time for them.

At their age it is clearly best for them to have frequent, regular but not overnight contact with their father (I am a very involved, capable and committed father but I would never have tried that while mine were still breast feeding).

You should consider however that it is best for them to build up to and prepare for overnights with their father at the right time (for them, not necessarily for you or him). Of course this still depends on his ability/willingness to accommodate them in his busy working schedule.

Good luck

B