Wondered if anyone had any advice, I have reached the end of all my ideas and don't know what to do any more.
I have 2 daughters age 3 and 6. Their father and I split up last June, with me eventually moving out of the marital home (which my ex kept) last November.
The kids are exceptionally bright little girls and apart from some normal (probably age related) conflicts, seem happy, content and settled when they are with me, their gran or my gran. However, when they are with their dad they keep telling him that all they want is for us all to live together again. If he asks what they want for birthdays / Christmas etc the only thing they will say is for us all to live together. My eldest recently told dad that she would die if it meant me and her dad would live together again. They cry and get upset when with him - the eldest tells him that she doesn't want to live with me, but with him. The youngest throws tantrums and tells him she wants to be with me.
When we split he took it really badly and I have a feeling that they heard too much from him at the time - he would discuss what was happening to his friends in front of them etc but he is getting upset by this too - he says that every time he sees them they cry and get upset.
I finally took the plunge 5 weeks ago and started my own business which is exceptionally demanding- I start work earlier than I used to so have lost time on a morning with them - but see more of them on an evening. I know that I am tired and probably a little less patient with them than I could be and feel like I am letting them down - even though I am trying to make a better life for them.
I suppose I feel like a bad mum, I feel guilty for not being able to give them what they want. I left the marriage because I wasn't happy, I basically felt nothing for my ex and felt like life was passing me by, I now keep thinking that I should have stayed and put their happiness first. Being a single mum is exceptionally hard and I am starting to feel like I've let my children down so much. I love them with all my heart - but I can't see a way of healing their hurt. How can I help them to get over this?
i thought he may have been trying to manipulate me - but mutual friends have seen it and if I have questioned ED about things she has said she will admit to saying it, but won't / can't tell me why. I have made it really obvious that they can talk to me - that I won't get angry or upset, but they only express these thoughts/ feelings with dad. I do think that YD is following her big sister's lead, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Is it just that they need more time - will it taper off naturally? Or should I be trying to stretch a tight budget to paying for a councellor
Sorry for rambling but I am at a complete loss.

I think much of their behaviour is normal for children who are not able to truly articulate their feelings well.

My only concern is that you have started a new business at a time when you need to be with tem as much as you can. No doubt you need this business and it is good to be doing something for yourself,it is tough to be all things to all people.

My kids are now older but their birthday candle blowing out wish was always for mummy and daddy to get back together, it used to break my heart!! It will take alot of time for the kids to adjust, try very hard not to ask the kids questions, kids get different things from each parent at different times.

Have you considered trying to compile a parenting plan with your ex so that you are both at least trying to keep things consistent for your girls even if you and ex are at loggerheads you should try to be seen as united in front of girls and keep giving them lots of reassurance, how much time do the girls spend with dad and are the arrangements suiting the children? Circumstances change with time, perhaps you and ex need to renegotiate the contact arrangements at least until the girls are older and are happier with arrangements

I firmly believe that communication with your ex is the key here, I know it sounds glib but they need to feel that both of you are putting them first in your seperate lives.

Good luck

hi,welcome to wiki
it is normal for children to feel like this.Is there a possibilty that when one parent picks them up that you can both sit down have a drink and a chat together before leaving ,that should help the children ,seeing the parents being friendly should hlp them accept and cope with the situation better.
Starting your own business is very hard on both you and the children.R you getting over stressed.
Discussed with their father how you can approach the matter for the benefit of the children.I would leave councelling for a bit longer,try solidarity first.But make sure that they know that it does not mean that you two will be getting back together.
good luck

Hiya

Please don't take this the wrong way. I am quite a cynical person by nature but........


"However, when they are with their dad they keep telling him that all they want is for us all to live together again. If he asks what they want for birthdays / Christmas etc the only thing they will say is for us all to live together. My eldest recently told dad that she would die if it meant me and her dad would live together again. They cry and get upset when with him - the eldest tells him that she doesn't want to live with me, but with him. The youngest throws tantrums and tells him she wants to be with me."

So how do you knnow all of this ? You are not there during these conversations. Is it because HE has told you so ? Is it possible that perhaps HE wants you back ??

Children are incredably easy to influence. Particularly younger children. A six year old wouldn't have the maturity to contemplate death as a bribe. Is it possible that his feelings are rubbing off against them ?

The fact that they are perfectly happy when with you speaks volumes. It may help if you can impress upon them how content and comfortable YOU are with the new arrangements. Tread very carefully when reacting to their alleged behaviours........

HTH

poppy

Hi Bronte
Well done for your determination and bravery.
I did work when my daughter was younger but if my work coinsided with times when she was not at school she did not respond very well. She would phone me constantly even though she was being taken care of with lots of love and attention by my parents. It made me ill!
In the end I decided to put her first and only work and go to college when she herself was at school and occupied.
I think it has paid off and made life easier.
I was trying to do too much. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, wishing you and your daughters all the best for the future x