Plee

My advice to is you should wait until you have split up before you introduce the children to anyone new, and probably six months after the split before the introduction.

Has your ex2b introduced any of his girl friends to the children?

If he hasn't and you introduce them to your bloke they may think that your bloke is the cause of the split.

Children are the most important thing in any relationship breakdown and you need to be patient and put them first.

Mon

Plee, ypu have received some great advice here and whilst it may not have been the road I chose to take (BTW my divorce is v amicable, no arguments, all very calm).......Im happy to be that little devil on your shoulder, I for one wasted 18 years of my life in a loveless marriage, I loved him for a great deal of that time and although he said he always has done and still does me, his actions told me otherwise. I've made a new 'friend', thats all and the children see him as such, they know mummy and daddy arent 'together' any more and thats it. They will become aware of the full picture in time and I will handle it sensitively. In the meantime, im not wasting anymore of my precious life, I deserve more and Im determined to be happy as an individual. My boys have already benefitted from my being chirpy and they love my just as much now as they ever did (if not more).

Yes, its best to wait till the dust settles, yes it better to wait, wait, wait. Ive waited so long I'll be past it if I wait any longer and besides Im a person not a slave to an ex whos never cared for me as an individual and although I love my children and will always do whats best for them, I wont be held back in living my life.

Probably not what everyone else wants me to say to you but the reality of life with an ex and a new partner is very different than the 'right approach' which is very difficult to implement.

Em7609

Thank you for that - I guess I need to have a long think about what is the right balance.

How did you tell your children - did you and your husband do together?

Theres been no big sit down discussion, when I moved out of the bedroom and they asked why and I simply said that mummy and daddy dont really get on as well as they used to. When I saw a house up for sale right next to their school I said wow, what if we sold our big house and bought 2 then you could live right next to school? I havent said that mummy would be living in one house and daddy in the other, that will come in time.

Kids know when somethings not right, I will tell them more as time goes on, for now they have enough information I think. Their behaviour has been fine, theres no arguments at home and what 'heated' discussions we need to have are generally done out of their earshot or by email. My ex is really struggling with the whole thing so its more sad than angry times at the mo.

Like yours our situation is similar, I tend to stay out overnight avoiding his company of an evening, Im back for the school run in the morning and I care for them as much now as I did before even tho im not there overnight. Hes not seeing anyone, has almost no friends and rarely goes out.

Its scary and I want to protect them but kids are resilient and we will all be happier once the break is made. I may be doing it all completely wrong and ot by the book but it feels right to me and thats what matters.
xx

Hi Guys

I too am in the same position of being separated but living in the same house as my stbx and our three kids (eldest 11, youngest 5). There was noone else involved in our breakup, and we (as the saying goes) really did just drift apart.

The Nisi was granted in July, and we are slowly sorting out the finances (hopefully not going through the courts). Currently, we have an agreed (originally a Court agreed) 50/50 shared care arrangement; half week 'on', half week 'off'.

Firstly, With regard to telling the children what is going on, I have always been firmly of the opinion that kids should be informed of as much of any given situation as they are capable of understanding.

To this end, as soon as we decided on the separation (after many months of Relate counselling), we told the kids exactly what was happening, including the basic reasons behind the split. This then helped the kids understand why, not long afterwards, I converted the front room of the house into my own bedroom, to give mummy and daddy their own 'space'.

Kids are not stupid and I'm sure they would have asked about the change in our situation at some point by themselves. The fact that we told them about it up front I believe made it easier (and possibly quicker) for them to come to terms with. It also helped them understand why on 'Mummy' days, sometimes I do not stay in the house at all, and likewise on 'Daddy' days, why mummy sometimes stays out. They have accepted everything we have told them, and everything we have done, at face value, as the new 'normal' way of life.

My second point is that having set up this 'new' way of living, it allows both myself and my stbx to live a completely free life on our days 'off', staying in or out of the house, as we choose. In my new life, I have made new friends (many here on Wiki) and am slowly reaquainting myself with old friends I lost contact with over the years. My kids are fully aware that I have stayed out on quite a number of occasions to meet my new friends, including the Wiki weekends away and Wiki socials. I have explained all of this to my kids, as my new social life develops.

I am now in a relationship with a very special 'friend' I met five months ago. I have not told my kids how 'special' this friend is to me (answer - very), but as EM7609 has done, we arranged a couple of 'meetings' (the first in a park in a kids play area, which itself lead to the second [as the kids had such a good time that they wanted to see each other again] a few weeks later at a local swimming pool). This was initially done so that a) my kids could meet my 'friend' (and her youngest daughter), being introduced literally as just a friend of mine, and b) so that my kids could get used to the fact that I am re-building my life with new friends, some of whom are female.

I have posted the above to try to show you my answer to the original question of how and when a new partner should be introduced to your kids.

In short it is as fast or as slow as everybody is (but primarily the kids are) comfortable with, which will obviously partly depend on your individual situations. My kids are happy with pretty much everything I have done to date. I am sure that over time, as they see me with my 'friend' more often, they will understand exactly what she means to me. I believe that they are likely to put two and two together before too long anyway, and if that happens I will be happy to explain things to them more fully.

Finally, and again echoing what EM7609 has said, I would hate for you to put your life on hold just because your stbx might not like it. Live for yourself and your kids.

I wish you all the best.

Father of Three

plee.welcome to wiki.
If the children have not been told about the divorce I would advice you not to introduce any partner to the children .They will associate the divorce with the new partner.They will have plenty to deal with not do not need to deal with this too.I am sure if your relationship is strong you can wait a bit longer.
good luck