Can I have an honest ­object­ive opinion please.

I am separated but not yet divorced, 2 children, 9 and 4: . My stbx is on his 3rd relationship in 6 months, I have been in a very stable relationship for the past year.

I would like to introduce my children to my new partner but think (make that I KNOW) stbx will take badly.

Should I gain his agreement first? I cannot continue to live my life ­base­d on what he believes is reasonable.

Unless your new partner is a convivted criminal/paedophile/drug dealer your stbx cannot prevent you from introducing your kids to your new partner.

In the same vein you cannot also prevent him from introducing your children to a new partner either.

Did you come to some agreement about this?

I am sure that you have your children's best interest at heart because you have left it a year.

xx

We have not come to an agreement on anything unfortunately.

Still waiting to sell the marital home so in fact are still technically living together although by unspoken agreement we rarely if ever stay overnight in the marital home together - either he goes out for the night or if he is at home I stay over at my new partner's (he is policeman so no worries on his background!).

The worry that I have is that we still have not agreed on when/how to "offically" tell the children - although obviously they have become aware that mum and dad do not spend time together in the way they did in the past - they are not asking any questions.

My worry is that it is so important to me that my kids are open to my new "friend" and I guess that I am concerned that if I go ahead my stbx will react in a way that could give the kids a negative view of him...

Is it FAIR on the children?

Plee, my situation is identical!

I too have been seeing someone else (for about 8 months), my stbx doesnt want the divorce and we too are still living in the MH but separated. We have a decree nisi though.

I took the plunge, invited my new partner to a couple of short meetings with my boys (age 5 and 8), one in a soft play centre and another when I went to look at a new car and actually really needed a second opinion. He spoke very little to them, allowed them to check him out naturally and simply offered short fun conversations about things like 'cake' and other stuff they liked. I gave it a few weeks and then invited him to join us for a weekend away. Was risky I know but I honestly didnt think there would be a problem and there wasnt. They all got on like a house on fire!!!!!! When I got back obviously ex found out he'd been there. He was not pleased and accused me of all sorts of bad behaviour. In my heart of hearts I know that Im doing the right thing, Ive behaved well in front of the children not so much as holding hands in their company, theres plenty of time for all that. Hes a good man, loves me like no one else has and is interested in me, my life and my children, Im not going to ruin an opportunity like this just because my ex wants to control what I do (always has done).

If you believe in yourself, your decisions and can justify your actions to yourself, do what you think is best and you wont go far wrong. Ive grown up so much since I started the divorce process, I now have self belief and it feels good

Goodluck!

Introducing a new partner is potentially a minefield and a major factor in highly conflicted divorces which are so detrimental to the emotional well being of children . Ultimately if your ex is hostile he will need to deal with the issues himself but it makes sense to sort out the divorce, settle finances and establish childcare arrangements first, if at all possible, and introduce a new partner gradually with sensitivity.

It is only natural that a parent worries about a new partner entering their children's life and children may find it difficult, perhaps resenting the new partner because they're not their dad. Also the new relationship can suffer if the new partner gets embroiled in the disputes about finances and practicalities regarding children.

I can see why you would want to introduce your new partner after a year but it is probably better to wait at least until you are not both living in the house.

It's not clear from your post whether you have even told the children that your marriage is over. If you have not, then that needs to come first, and the children given time to get used to that before they meet any new partners.

Sadie

Thanks All

No we have not told the children yet - until residency arrangements sorted I thought it best not to. I have agreed to shared resididency but now am unsure due to his 3 girlfriends in 6 months. However he is a good Dad -

I know we have to start talking and understanding where we both sit on issues - BUT HE JUST WONT TALK TO ME - he refuses to have the conversation. So I guess we will end up in court and it will all just get much worse.

We cannot live separately until we agree finances and sell house. Should we tell the kids now when this situation could continue for months - I hate the thought of them worrying about what it might be like with their parents living apart - when it could be a mini lifetime for them until it actually happens.

Sorry it just seems like such a balancing act - Xmas is round the corner and will be the last for the children with both parents there - if we can both swallow it.

It feels that I keep putting off progressing my life to try and keep the peace now.

P