My husband and I have just agreed to seperate last week and we told our 7 year old what was happening. Needless to say it was heartbreaking having to do that to her, harder than agreeing to end the marriage.
She has been 'playing' up recently and when I told her off tonight she told me that 'it was no wonder daddy was leaving as I always shouted at her and him!'
I have never shouted at her father (much as I would love to!) but I'm just scared that she will see any telling off as another part of our seperation (if that makes sense!).
She has told me that she doesn't think it will ever stop hurting and that time won't make any difference.
I have told her that I love her and that I will never stop but I was wondering whether anyone has ever taken their child to counselling and whether it helped?
I know it's early days but I'm scared of saying the wrong thing and hurting her even more.
Thanks.

It is very very early days for your daughter and she will go thru' every emotion in a ­b­link­­ of an eye.
She will be angry and shout at both of you, she will be sad and cry, she may want to be a baby again, she may not want to go to school, she may cling to either of you, she may not want to see her Dad or not come back to you. In short she will be unpredictable until she gets used to her new life.
She needs stability, predictability and lots of love, understanding and reassurance, she also needs routine and discipline from both of you.
If possible you and her Dad need to keep reassuring her, tell her both of you still love her and include her in your decisions if at all possible.
If either of you are seeing someone else try to protect her from that until she has settled down.
Young ladies can also be very manipulative and she may behave and act out differently with both of you, be on the look out for this. Encourage her all you can to maintain a healthy relationship with whoever leaves the marital home, even if she appears reluctant, it is in both your interests to keep the relationship going with you both.
You need to have a bucketful of patience and try to co parent even if you have fallen out ! Communication is the key!
Take care and keep posting.

Hi

I can't add anything to Spooky's very wise words except to say that I understand Relate offer counselling sessions for children whose parents are separating.

They may be able to offer advice to you, as to how to handle your daughter, even if you don't take her to the actual sessions.

HTH

poppy

Me again!

If you look under free resources there is a relate book about helping children cope, I found it very useful.

If you are worried have a quiet word with school. They may be able to tell you how your daughter is at school. Many children are fine at school when they are away from the strain at home and you can reassure yourself that she is coping there.

7 is a difficult age ( aren't they all ) when children realise that they are separate entities from their parents and are able to influence their enviroment. It is also a time when they begin to understand feelings of loss and the permanence of death.

Many children worry that if one parent leaves the other will go as well so you should both reassure her that neither are going far and will always be there for her.

I sound quite knowledgable ! I have 4 daughters and have been thru' a difficult divorce but I am not professionally trained so please take what you want from this but do not feel you must act on what I say!!

for me approaching the school for support ws the best thing i could have done,there is a support group at school for children experiencin difficulties like death and divorce.It is called rainbows and lasts for 10 weeks its all about confidence building and it has been a lifeline.

the most important thing to keep doing is telling her it is not her fault 7 is the age where she will internalise it all and come to the coclusion this has happened and she caused it.my daughter 9 struggles to understand its not her fault she often says' i know mummy that i am not to blame myself but i can't help doing so'they are like little sponges taking everything in.The conclusion they come to is a)its their fault if they had been better behaved etc and b)they are not worthy of their parent's love.