Hi - I've been feeling down today and if you have read my postings in the last few days you will have some idea why.

The children's attitude towards their father now rather than feeling angry and hurt by him - they seem to be displaying nothing short of contempt. They are now ridiculing the things he says and dismissing them "as a load of rubbish".

I picked the boys up from school and asked them if they had a good night with Dad last night. Both muttered ok. I asked youngest how did he get on at StreetDance - did Dad enjoy taking you. Apparantly, son really enjoyed it and did well. Dad commented that it was 2 hours of time and why am I arranging all this for the kids? Ummmm because they would like to do new things and at this difficult time they should have something to focus on duh! So he giveth and then he taketh away - again! I did get annoyed. I made the point that it is not fair to punish them because he is angry at me. I felt a bit overwhelmed and had a few tears in the car.

Eldest son was the funniest - comments like "he says he cries himself to sleep every night - yeah alright then when we are there you always sleep like a baby!" and "Oh you know Dad he knows everything about everything - nothing is ever is fault". My eldest even told me to get on a dating website as he doesn't like the thought of me growing old on my own. I'm only 37! He knows Dad is paranoid and tells lies.

I did say is it because of Dad and Me you feel like this? He said "No it is Dad and ME!" - it is his own experiences that are making him feel this way. He also said he would never forgive me if I took him back or nor would he forgive me if I ever lied to him. Blimey!

Think the kids are going to sort out access to him on their own. I said whatever you want to do is fine and things will probably calm down.

Sorry - long post again - just need to talk to someone.

SadEyes

Oh god sadeyes i could have written most of that!!!! Thanks god others write things down. My 15yr said mum dad is a p­layer­ get over him. She said she didn't want him coming for dinner as he made no effort to talk to her and only wanted see me. She says he tells her he is sad and never goes out but she says he is a liar as he always in pub. She has so much anger towards him it is amazing. He also critises what she does, he didn't do it so why does she need to??? aargh!!! I say the same and apologise and say sorry its just dad and i ......... she shouts and says dur no mum its just dad!!! It's tough here as i am hoping for a reconciliation which they (15 and 18) have said no way should it be considered. i have left contact down to kids now as need to keep out of it, they need to set him straight themselves, he won't learn with me trying to sort their relationship out with him out. Keep writing, i know you needed to vent but bot did it help me too seeing i was not alone with having kids feel like that toward their dad.

xxx

Hi fitbird

Thanks for that - I actually find it upsetting and get no pleasure at all that 2 kids 10 & 7 can see what a pathetic miserable little bully their Father is! Especially as I told him it was a chance to start putting things right. How dumb was I or how good was I at brainwashing myself about him!

Actually having time apart from him has given the boys a choice - a choice to understand his bullying for what it is. Example - PC monitor broke so I fixed up a spare flat screen monitor that was in the bedroom not being used. Eldest probably mentioned to dad in casual conversation. Then Daddy dearest informs him that actually he may come in and take all of the tellys away (as he paid for them! - my 25 hours work a week, plus school runs and housework count for nothing then). This includes the one in my Son's bedroom which made him upset. So what - hurt the kids again? Does he actually think his children are stupid - or that he owns them or something? He is going to be such a loser in the end.

Just gutted that he is in denial about his behaviour and because of that the boys will have a crap Dad.

Also scared cos got to ring him about admission forms for sons secondary school and school visits etc.

Maybe I should just divorce him and let it drag through the courts instead of doing the reasonale separation and amicably financials etc. Trouble is kids will probably suffer even more.

He is very angry though because I told him again this week we split because the relationship is abusive - he is more worried about how he seems to others than me or the kids. He went up to my friend in school and said "what's she been saying about me then?" she said not much and I certainly wasn't gossiping to everyone in the playground. He tells everyone "She's lost the plot!" more like panicing cos his cover is blown. Thing is he did that for himself anyway - noone was actually really suprised. He almost makes you think you are being unreasonable and you are making it up - oversensitive - ahhh but thats why I stayed so long.

Ooops ranting again

Hi sadeyes
I think your ex should seriously think about getting some professional help, he is a complete lunatic!!
He is full of anger, hatred and has no compassion whatsoever.

Your children will make up their own minds, children are very clever at watching and making their own conclusions.

I hated my step father, I was quite young, but I knew what was going on, the trouble is when you are so young you are powerless to do anything, you just have to watch, and be terrified. When my step father left it was the best day of my life, free from the abuse, drinking, agression. My sister and I were scared stiff of him, he used to beat my little sister, (and she was little petit thing aged 3) until she bled. I learnt very quickly to just shut up being a couple of years older. He was a tyrant.
My mum did not have to tell us anything, deny anything, we saw and we knew. The release was fantastic when he decided to bugger off.

I never saw him again, so I did not go through all of the problems your children have, seeing him. So I suppose I was lucky. What he is doing to them, is to me, tantamount to child abuse.

Do they actually enjoy being with their father?

It must be so hard for you to keep the equilibrium, but then why should you do that, for him?

take care

zara

Hi Zara

Thank you for your support.

The solicitor finally rang me back today to talk about the children and discuss at what point to intervene etc. Basically, unless the children are severely distressed about seeing him - perhaps having problems at school etc - it is best not to do anything legally. Cos the courts need to know it is not petty behaviour from me and that I am justifiably worried about their emotional wellbeing. He also suggested mediation to discuss kids welfare if we are unable to be amicable between ourselves. Ha ha - ex would hate that because he is trying to keep up his calm front and he wouldn't be able to kick off at me.

Anyway - I text him this morning to ask if it is ok for me to ring him tonight as we need to discuss the go see sessions for eldest sons secondary schools. He text back "fine". Probably not a good idea if we go together but I need to give him the opportunity to be part of the process. Quite scared but I will make sure I have someone with me. Chances are he will be ok.

It has given me some strength to know the kids have their coping mechanisms and whilst it does hurt that they think so little of him - I'm glad they don't feel like that about me.

Told them last night our house is going to be Happy House where they can be themselves and leave their stresses at the door (unless they have a problem with me and they need to go elsewhere). I told them we need to work together and help and support each other. That I am ultimately in charge only because I am older and legally responsible to care for them. They are allowed their say and allowed compromise in decisions made but on occasion I may have to make decisions for them. They are safe and secure in Happy House and I will try not to hurt them and we will not tell lies. I also said that when Dad is settled and got his own place they can have a Happy House with him too.

Think this helped - they were both lovely this morning - no moaning or dragging of feet. Eldest helped youngest clean his teeth.

This is all I can do for them.

SadEyes

Oh sadeyes, you brought a tear to mine!!!
You are such a lovely mum. The boys are lucky to have you.
You will be fine with the attitude and determination you are showing. Fantastic.

If you ever have to meet him and you feel scared, yes, take someone with you.

It is hard trying not to blacken their father's name, you are very strong and fair. This will all be recognised by your boys when they get older and understand more.

You sound a bit happier today.
Keep up the tremendous spirit you have sadeyes. One day you will be able to change your name to Happyeyes!!

zara

Yea HappyEyes!!! One day soon I hope.

Thank you again for all your support - this world is mad but there are still some decent people in it and my kids will be 2 of em!

Have a good rest of the day.x