i'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face after a 30 minute talk with my 9 year old son.

out of the blue he walked downstairs and told me that the reason why he spent so much time on his xbox and eating so much (yes he has put on some weight and eaten lots since the split) was because he missed his daddy so much.

He has never talked about his feelings very much, I know he misses daddy very very much and tonight took me by surprise. We talked, I told him how much daddy loves him, I asked if I could do anything to help take the pain away but overall I just said that I was very proud of him for being honest about his feelings with me. That whatever his feelings were I would always be there to listen to them and I would never tell him off for them.

I suggested he talk to a 3rd party at school about his feelings but he said no, I only want to talk to people in our family. Even if I was there he said he would be frozen stiff and would say nothing.

Its 6 months since daddy left, he only sees him once a week after school and 1 day/night every other weekend. I have tried to get dad to give more contact by phone or visit but he is dealing with his feelings and "being selfish at the moment" and won't do it. It breaks my heart when he asks can we go see daddy (he lives 10 mins away) or phone daddy and I have to say no but I won't risk him being turned away.

What can I say to him that will make it easier for him? Does anyone have any advise?

I'm so pleased (if that is the right word) that he has finally opened up a bit.

At the end I asked if anything made sense or was it just waffle and he said "yes most of it made sense, with a bit of waffle. Is that why mums go to Iceland.... for waffle!!!... we both laughed.

He's back in bed now hopefully sleeping peacefully

thanks for listening to my waffle little man, I hope it helped xx

Awww bless him , least you now know how he feels maybe he will now open up to a 3rd party , prehaps there is a special teacher, classroom assistant at school he will talk to.I do feel so sorry for the children maybe if you have the time after school i know when you have to work etc.. it's hard to fit everything in but maybe take him to the park let him get some fresh air and excerise, maybe buy him a kite and go kite flying.

I think you hve said all the right things to him that his dad does still loves him , my children no longer see their dad they have had no contact for over a yr now not even birthday cards they are coping well, for your son 6 months is still new.Carry on doing what your doing loopy you must be doing something right that he is not going off at the deep end every 5 mins give him loads of hugs too.

Hiya

I've just posted a ­link­ to Relate on another thread but I'll put it here too as their website looked helpful.


http://www.relate.org.uk/familylife

They offer counselling to children whose parents are separating and I'm sure will be specialist trained to handle your son. Could you both go maybe, - you could tell your son it's for you but that you're a bit scared and want him to go with you ? That way there'll be no pressure on him to talk.

In addition you must if you can let his dad know. Even if you're sure he'll not ioncrease contact he must be told your sons feelings.

HTH

poppy

What a great mum you are. You are thinking about your son and trying to make it better for him. Thats all you can do - you can't make his dad stop being a selfish sod and think about his kid.
My son is six and is missing dad terribly. Its just another kick in the teeth when the person who is gone, doesn't have to address the pain or devastation they've caused - and its worse that you have to say 'Daddy loves you,....' and make excuses for their selfishness. Hopefully one day our kids will understand.
I don't have any real words of advice but I do think you sound like you are doing a great job. Is there a grandad / uncle who could maybe step in and be a bit of a male role model for your son? If not, don't worry, the fact that he has opened up to you says what a great relationship you have and that you will both be ok.
I hope I can get to that place with my son. xx

Dear Loopy

He trusted you to tell you how he felt and that is wonderful.

You cannot take away his pain and it is healthy for him to feel it and acknowledge it. By doing so you can both start healing together.

Take care of your little man - I'm sure he had gone to bed with a weight lifted off his shoulders. As for the big man - well unfortunately you can't make him do the right thing. Just give him the opportunity when it comes and don't shut the door on him - that has to come from the child. Lets hope that doesn't happen.

Take care and sleep tight yourself - you must be a great Mum.

x

SadEyes

thanks all the for the responses.

He says that he won't speak to an outside 3rd party, only wants immediate family members. To date last night was prob the 2nd time he has opened up and the first was to my mum.

When he woke up this morning he said he was ok and checked it was thursday as it meant it was "one day closer to seeing daddy" and I just said yep and you will have a great weekend i'm sure.

We agreed we would get fit together instead of him playing on his console so much. Together we will get through it and you never know, maybe at the end I will be a size zero (hahahahaha.. never in a million years!)

Thanks again

L

Loopy
I think Poppy has already said this but I think you really need to let his dad know. I dont know and couldnt possibly know the intricacies of your story, only you know that but maybe his dad feels unwanted, unecessary because you are doing such a great job!

Sometimes people a kick up the behind to see the truth. For all we know if you told his dad he would be devastated and even pleased that his son needed him so much...and do something about it. Again sorry I dont know the full details and your Ex could be the Ex from hell.

In any case, tell him and keep your fingers crossed. Sometimes what is obvious to you may not be as obvious to others.

Take care
Tinny