Laying in bed after waking early again. Eldest daughter still asleep next door room. After months of finally feeling the old me again I now feel massively stressed. I couldnt even remember my own mobile number earlier. On top of my Final Hearing on 8th May , I have just found out that my poor old Dad in Australia has cancer. Terminal too and brother told me that he has 3 months. He also told me that Dad doesnt know it yet and will find out on Monday that all they can offer him is palliative care. Told me to arrange a flight down sooner rather than later and we could be looking at weeks

I want to know how all of this will end up. So much of what I have read has stressed to focus on the now. To focus on accepting what is. To be at peace with today's reality. I get it. I actually do think that is the healthiest way forward and I am trying to find my center as I slowly move on. Deep down, I know I'll be fine and it'll all work out. I'll still be me and that's pretty good. But I cannot help the impatience. I want to get there NOW. I want to get to the good place NOW. Or at least I want to know what that will look like. Where will I be living, who will I be with, how often will I

I know. I appreciate all of your comments and experiences. I am going to take my wife out on Saturday and we'll see. Knowing me, I have to make sure I did everything I could. I hear what you're all saying. I went and saw my therapist today and I had not seen him in a couple months. It was good and I'll go back for a bit. I get more out of various support groups and friends though. He is useful at giving me exercises on how to feel life more thoroughly and I am very interested in doing that. He seemed to agree that I had to see, to check it out, to try my best. I am a good guy - actually I am