After my dreadful night on Wednesday (thank you to those in chat at 3am!) I got up on Thurday, went into autopilot mode, managed to keep the tears at bay until I'd dropped the kids off at school. Cried all the way into work, and when I got there just couldn't function at all. Phoned up my GP and arranged an appointment, the nurse advised me to come in straight away, as I was so distraught on the phone.

The head was so nice about it, I feel so awful letting them down, I have had so much time off since this all happened, for appointments etc. Managed to get a bit of work done before I left, as

I've had the worst day ever

I just want to be back in a proper family again, you know the one? The one that includes the biological mother of my children and not a woman who can never be my kids mother, probably with her own kids to whom I can never be their father, nor want to be.

 My STBX has moved on, we don't speak, but I know that she has not been entirely happy in her new life, and she has not realised all her 'freedoms' because life and circumstance continue to control her life, so perhaps it wasn't all me, maybe. This makes me think that the whole thing was just one big silly mistake,

Well, its 1.20am, and I'm still awake.

Had an awful day yesterday, an awful night and the theme seems to have continued today and tonight. The fact that I dumped the rest of his stuff on his parents' drive on Saturday seemed to signify to him that he had carte blanche to contact me again. So I got into work on Monday, to an email, to which I did not respond. Then yesterday the phone rang, and I answered thinking it was my mum, and it was him. My heart just went plummeting down again. I hung up immediately, as I cannot talk to him, its still too painful, and although on the the one hand I want