Once again I  find myself blogging sadness and frustration.

Bad day follows bad night follows bad day follows bad night....

This is my 8th week of this - this mood of dread, trepidation, loneliness, sadness, frustration and melancholy.    Yes, melancholy (couldn't find a better word!)  

ughhhhhhh

This started after the summer break. Before the break, I was so happy, I was glowing. At least once a day someone would comment how I have reclaimed myself as the vibrant person I used to be. A song made me elated. A nice sentiment made me giddy. Was that a symptom of disguised depression?

Within a few

I don't know how much more I can take. What is wrong with me, why am I being treated like this? Just a few short months ago, everything was fine or so I thought. Now everything is so bad I don't want to carry on because where am I going to end up? I know he is going to come out of this on top I can feel it. I am left to pick up the pieces and expected to go along with everything he says.

Both kids do not want contact with him at the moment and I have tried to convince them that he is still their dad and he loves them etc etc, but they are both adamant that they want nothing to do with him.

why oh why ?  thats the question im asking myself tonight

today i did a stupid thing ...i rang the o/w again..

why oh why???

 tellin her a little white lie about how shes gonna get sols letter citing her in my div case..

 why oh why did i do it ???

of course ten mins later i get a nasty call from stbx sayin shes upset !!!!! 

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE !!!!!!!

later i rang him back to APOLOGISE!!!!! !!!!!

WHY OH WHY ?????

is there any ending to this hurt,pain,humilation on hearing him say he loves her and wants to be with her and not me !

i love him still  stupid me !!!  

why oh bloody why do i love him