why oh why ?  thats the question im asking myself tonight

today i did a stupid thing ...i rang the o/w again..

why oh why???

 tellin her a little white lie about how shes gonna get sols letter citing her in my div case..

 why oh why did i do it ???

of course ten mins later i get a nasty call from stbx sayin shes upset !!!!! 

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE !!!!!!!

later i rang him back to APOLOGISE!!!!! !!!!!

WHY OH WHY ?????

is there any ending to this hurt,pain,humilation on hearing him say he loves her and wants to be with her and not me !

i love him still  stupid me !!!  

why oh bloody why do i love him

After my dreadful night on Wednesday (thank you to those in chat at 3am!) I got up on Thurday, went into autopilot mode, managed to keep the tears at bay until I'd dropped the kids off at school. Cried all the way into work, and when I got there just couldn't function at all. Phoned up my GP and arranged an appointment, the nurse advised me to come in straight away, as I was so distraught on the phone.

The head was so nice about it, I feel so awful letting them down, I have had so much time off since this all happened, for appointments etc. Managed to get a bit of work done before I left, as

I've had the worst day ever

I just want to be back in a proper family again, you know the one? The one that includes the biological mother of my children and not a woman who can never be my kids mother, probably with her own kids to whom I can never be their father, nor want to be.

 My STBX has moved on, we don't speak, but I know that she has not been entirely happy in her new life, and she has not realised all her 'freedoms' because life and circumstance continue to control her life, so perhaps it wasn't all me, maybe. This makes me think that the whole thing was just one big silly mistake,