I don't know how I am at present. Tearful. Feeling quite alone I think. Not quite the same as lonely; lots of friends about me, but no-one to  really share the burdens. How I miss my dad!

Yesterday I couldn't break through the feeling of being completely overwhelmed, sitting amidst the washing and dirty dishes, the house in a tip. I was lucky that a friend popped in and gathered me up for an afternoon of tackling the gardening together or things would be even worse.

I hate my life. I don't want anything any more. Don't care about the money.  It is all worthless. I am fed up with being strong,

What weird days these are. I think I am coming out the other end, I woke up this morning and didn't think I want to die, I felt calm. I really did want not to be alive on many days but I kept coming to wiki and peeps always picked me up. Hopefully no panic attacks today either. This improvement can't be the pills yet as they haven't had time to kick in yet. I think the fact I have now been open with the gp about how I feel and taken control has made me feel better. I first thought that I felt better because he was talking about our future and wants to see how things go, but I think it is

Red Dwarf fans will get it. This always happens, I stay away overnight with work, and the despair squid consumes my whole being.

There's no wife and kids to ring to say goodnight too, there's no one waiting for you to come home, and home is just a pile of bricks.

I was sat on a plastic chair  having a crappy burger in Clacket Lane services, and to be quite honest I didn't care whether I was alive or dead, I just really didn't.  I wanted everything to go away.  To make things worse the receptionist at the Premier Inn was wearing her perfume, Chance by Chanel, shit I felt so lonely.

And to make