What weird days these are. I think I am coming out the other end, I woke up this morning and didn't think I want to die, I felt calm. I really did want not to be alive on many days but I kept coming to wiki and peeps always picked me up. Hopefully no panic attacks today either. This improvement can't be the pills yet as they haven't had time to kick in yet. I think the fact I have now been open with the gp about how I feel and taken control has made me feel better. I first thought that I felt better because he was talking about our future and wants to see how things go, but I think it is

I've so many feelings fighting to get out that it seemed time to get the blog out.

I have just been wrestling with the emotions kicked into life by my stbx suggesting we start talking again. We haven't said more than a couple of words since April, and the thought of it had me in tears, so I have said that it is not what I want at the moment. Actually I said I had nothing to say to him. Since replying in this way I have been struggling again.

Why can I still not see how it is for myself? When I wrote in forum what he had said in his e-mail, my reply and his response to it, there was such

Am currently siting in a hotel room 3am in Tokyo and have been in the chat room for a while.

First serious attempt and thank very much to everyone, I really enjoyed the chat.

So tomorrow I return to Holland to my flat, where I will spend it alone looking at the 4 walls.  On Saturday I get the flight to Durham and will go "home" - if you can call it that. 

I have been doing this weekend thing since Dec 4 2006, weekly commuting to Holland for work and then back again.  Very quickly she decided that it would be better if I went back on a Sunday night and it made it too early for her on a monday..

So