I know I need to move on and start to think about the divorce. But I still can't get past the feeling of just not wanting to. Trying to work out why this is: I know that a part of me still loves him, but I also know that a part of me is just mourning for the marriage I wanted and dreamt of. The sort of marriage that my friends seem to all have - although I realise that what goes on behind closed doors might not be the same I imagine!

I also know that part of my reason for not wanting a divorce is not wanting to make it easy for them - I don't think I could bear it if they went off and got

Well, here I go again. He managed to make me back down . Off to joint counseling this morning.

Never slept last night, what was going to be said, He (husband) all prepared with a list of issues that we need to sort out.

I am very tearful, I know when I am there I will cry. That is the last thing I want, I don't want his pity.

I have been sitting trying to work out how I can afford to live. I only work part time. He pays for the rent for my little flat, my sanctuary.

I need to move from this area to get full time work as jobs are very limited here.That means leaving my daughter behind.

I know that

Why can't I get out of this cycle of feeling low more on than off ? Only got a text last night from G/F after I sent her one, even though she said 2 nights ago "sleep well, TEXT YOU TOMORROW, love you". So naturally I expected a text, but I only got one after I had sent her one, and at 7:30pm at night. Wanted to SPEAK to her on the phone, as hadn't spoken to her since last Friday morning, so sent a text askign if I could call her before I went out last night. The reply I got...." Just put (son) to bed and doing dinner, so not really". BUGGER I thought. Went out (as planned - she knew I was