When I was 15 years old, he just went. I mean, he wasn’t much of a role model in truth, but still – he was my Dad.

…and as time moves on and the years tumble by, I look back on those years after he went and realise what a bloody mess I was.

I mean, there I was now the new “Man Of The House” having to deal with such situations as finding my Mum in the under stairs cupboard in darkness holding a knife to her neck. What a bloody mess I became.

And I stayed like that for many years – and only now that I have a Son of my own can I realise why I was like that: I had nobody whatsoever to teach me how

Hmmmmm, good bit is I haven't cried since sunday, but having internal wobble. Felt a bit of anger and stuff last night and then just had awful night. Had one of those really vivid dreams about him me and the barmaid, I dreamt he left her and came back to be and she was gutted. Then couldn't settle and had millions of things going around my head. So this morning am very tired and feeling vunerable. I am going to see lots of him this week as he taken week out to see 15yr old. I am just really not sure where my emotions are.

He says he not with her now, but that comes down to trust which I don't

I've absolutely no idea what I'm doing, or if anybody will either read or be interested in my blog, but sometimes in life one needs a place to scream - and I'm hoping this'll turn out to be the place for me to do it.

If this blog continues, I'm reckoning that things will kinda start slotting themselves into place, a sort of "self Counselling" service. So here goes, and sorry to any readers for any future ramblings!!

I need to talk about it, the whole story - about the crap childhood that led me into a crap marriage that I'm desperate to escape from. But I've no idea if this is the place to do