I felt so relaxed tonight. Chatted to my parents + all ok. Then the beast rang me.  I feel so angry and ill. My head is hurting. I won't be able to sleep all night. He HAS to be put away. I don't see how all this can end.

I thought I would try and put my feelings down in a blog and hopefully see that with time things will improve- i just dont see how right now.

How can I ever trust myself again after falling for such a man? Everybody else in my life saw him for what he was - a con man and a bully. Why didn't I see it? 

 I can cope with everything that he has thrown at me- i went though my pregnancy alone- dealt with the huge debts he left me with alone-worked 2 jobs to 8 1/2 months and returned to work 9 days after giving birth- took the daily verbal abuse and dealt with it alone- I thought I was coping that is

Had the most bizarre evening yesterday.  We had first directions appointment on wednesday and it took until yesterday for her to react.  Apparently I was thrown out of court as the judge didn't agree to the request for a s7 welfare report.

It all kicked off after the children had been put to bed by me, as usual, and so I go downstairs to get some supper.  She arrives in kitchen having had 1/2 bottle wine and lights up in the kitchen as I am preparing food.  She normally smokes outside and this feel like deliberate provocation.  I then take food through to living room away from her to watch tv