Hi, I've just joined this site in an effort to try and get some support and advice from people who have been thorugh similar things. If you read this and have something to say I am open to all comments. My partner left me 2 weeks ago. I have been fighting hard for her. Twice she said it was over, the first time over the phone which really hurt me because we've been together for 10 years. Over the last couple of months we have been fighting like demons. Lots of yelling a crying. I've done a lot of yelling and she's done a lot of crying. I know that's no ok and have apologised profusely many times. We don't usually right a lot at all and generally have had happy times together. We have been through hell as individuals over the last 3 years. It started with my mother being diagnosed with cancer. I didn't deal with that too well and became very difficult to live with. I was angry a lot of the time and distanced myself form eveyone including my partner, children and friends. She left me at this time as well. I have to say I don't blame her for doing that. I begged her to come back and epxlained what had been going on for me. I had withdrawn from everything with the grief of thinking I was going to lose my mother. I also had a lot of other things to deal with from my childhood which were broughtup again from my Mum being sick. We worked things out at this time and reconnected well. I took responsibility for my behaviour, went to counselling and dealt with my stuff. Over the subsequent couple of years, my partners grandfather died, her other grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and her grandmother developed alzheimers. On top of this her family learned that they sadly have a cancer gene. My partner and her sister were tested to see if they carry the gene. This was a big deal as if you are a carrier you have a 60% chance of getting cancer. My partner tested negative, thanks God but sadly her sister was positive. Then about 12 months ago my partners mother was diagnosed with motor neuron disease which means she only had up to 2 years to live. She is still with us but can no longer talk and is starting to lose her strength. we are losing her by degrees and it is devestating. Also in that 12 months my partner lost her job. She found another one quickly but it was also a difficult time. You can see we had a lot to deal with and so we came apart at the seams. My partner has not been dealing well with all the grief and has not been coping. We have had this grief living in our home for such a long time with little else between us. Just this oerwhelming sadness and anger. I have tried my best to support my partner. Given her plenty of cuddles and love but I have felt her pull away. She said she was trying not to bring the grief home but of course you cannot help but have it in the home when it is so all encompassing. I would say to her on a very regular basis, what's going on? are you ok, you seem to be feeling angry or sad or something. She would usually reply in an agry voice that she was fine. I took this to mean she wanted some space so stayed away in an effort to try and give her time. I did this too much. I can see now that wasn't helpful. Over the last 12 months I have tried my level best to be a good partner but then a couple of months ago it all became too hard and I was angry. I directed my anger at my partner insead of trying to understand and listen. I ran out of steam became defensive, told my partner that she was weak and negative. I am ashamed of this and it hurt her a great deal. I don't want the relationship to be over and have convinced her to come to counselling with me. I try to call and talk to her but she just becomes angry and upset and says she doesn't know if she can forgive me for the things I said. I suppose it feels like the last time she left and she's afraid to come back. She is staying with a fried of hers. My kids are torn apart and it hurts me deeply that I have hurt them in this way. I have promised my partner that I will be open, honest and most of all vulnerable with her when we go to counselling. I have taken responsibility for my actions and have again begged her forgiveness., three times. Twice she has said it's over and twice she has said that she's changed her mind and is happy to keep talking. But she's moving a bunch of her things out of the house today abd my heart is breaking. I cannot stop the flow of tears. She has agreed to consider the option that we can try and work things out which I am grateful for. About a month ago I said to her very calmly that I think the grief that has been living in the house with us has been pushing us around and we haven't been managing it. She thinks I'm saying that I can't handle her grief and that I'm blaming her. I'm not. I understand why she would feel this way because I have said some hateful things to her and she to me. I love her so deeply and passionately I just want to make it work. If she says again that it is over I suppose I have to let her walk away but I just don't know how. I am all mixed up inside and feel like a failure. Has anyone got any thoughts or ideas?

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