I realised it was my fault for been weak.

It is 6am, cant sleep, it'll be a week on monday, since he texted me that he has decided that divorce is what he wants. My life has kind of felt upside down since. Even though i knew it was a possibility.

My life in a nut shell.

Got married at 19, felt i had met the perfect guy for me. He was kind, sweet and full of promises. The strong silent type, that i felt will always protect me. In hind sight strong and silent was not what i needed.

After a year of marriage, cracks started to show, we both wanted different things. I wanted an education and went ahead to get one. He lived for the moment. What followed was a series of break ups and make ups. I been the one to break up and make up. He was just passive to everything. In my mind i couldn't let go, because he never actually told me he doesn't want me anymore. I loved him, but knew deep down, he could never really love me the way i needed to be loved. I'm not saying he didn't love me, just not the way that mattered to me. So i 'HOPED'. Hope turned into something else when he hit me for the first time. I think something happened to me that day, because i had always told myself that if any man ever layed their hands on me, that was it. I grew up around domestic violence and had made up my mind that it was not going to exist in my life. Moved out of our home then, partly because he had also thrown me out.

I got my own place, started Uni, on my way to bigger and better things. He came begging for forgiveness, i forgave. He swore he would never hit me again.

NEXT Level

Abuse is not only physical. Abuse could come in form of what is being said or not being said. Physical abuse i understood and recognised and felt to some certainty that if it happened again, i could deal with. Mental abuse however was not very familiar to me. I would go out of my way to do things for us, not even a thank you or aknowledgment of what i did. No more I love yous, no more kind gestures of the little things that mean a lot. I decided to go for a long break away, perhaps distance between us would help to forget. i went to the states. For six months, but rather than out of sight out of mind, it was absence makes the heart grow fonder. I knew i had a problem. I came back for yet one more try. This was the seventh year into our marriage.

ULTIMATUMS

A year later. Things got to change or we're over. i threatened. He had a better offer so he left. Months later after trying to get my life back in order once again, got a great job, things looking up. A call came through from his brother that he is in hospital his place was going to be repossed the next day. Muggins to the rescue. Cleared whatever i could before the bailiffs came. He had nowhere to go. So i offered him a place on condition that he will sort himself out. HOPE shitty hope reared it's ever optimistic head again, but soon realised that i was once again on the train to nowhere. I told him we couldn't go there anymore after one of our numerous fights. I trully wanted to break up. A month later met a nice guy who did tell me all i wanted to hear, made me smile, laugh but alas he wasn't HIM. However i was branded a cheat now because i was seeing someone else while we were still married. Forget the fact that we had broken up, but i guess in his mind i break up but never really leave so what made this time different from any other time. In his mind we were still together. In my mind i desperately needed to get him out of my mind and heart, but he seems to be engraved on there.

PLAYING THE VICTIM

Oh she hurt me, oh she was seeing someone behind my back, that was the story now. We still however went on holiday together, which muggins here payed for. Where i thought we had finally reached some understanding, on our return he couldn't handle what i had done. and thought we should end the relationship. I agreed. I was moving on finally, i really felt i was, it was hard but i was determined to do it.

DEATH

A couple of months later. I got knews that my brother had died, making the second death of a family memeber in a space of seven years. I crumbled, he was there to support me. He felt safe and familiar. Everything else seemed irrelevant and surreal. I wanted or needed the familiar. I begged him to lets make it work, we can make it work, we just have to communicate more blah blah blah. So we gave it a go, till the next time that was. By now I really didn't care anymore whats losing one more person in my life that i love. It's all the same to me. So i was quick to let it go.

CREATURE OF HABITS

He came back this time, we were going to make it work and this time what we needed to strengthen our relationship was having kids. I had my son, then eighteen months later my daughter. Things did change a little. However there were still all this underlying issues we had that just never got dealt with. They controlled our perceptions and reactions towards each other. When it was just me and him, i could cope with all our issues and just get one with things.

KIDS NEED A HAPPY MUM

Getting on with things was not possible with the kids. I became more and more depressed and was not coping. A day came when I yelled at my son and Icame out of me and saw me as how my kids saw me. I did not like what i saw. I needed to get away from him and sort myself out. That involved taking the kids away. He was gutted, i felt really bad, but I know it was the best thing to do at that moment.

BETTER A HAPPY SINGLE MUM THAN A DEPRESSED MARRIED ONE

I'm back now, once again with my mind playing it's trick on me again, however this abuse has become familiar to me now. I am scared of my kids growing up without a father figure in their lives. I dont know what effect that will have on them. All I can do is pray that it'll be alright in the night. I need to be strong for them if not for my self. He has asked for the divorce, i will not contest.