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Feb 29
2008
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Hi there,
Am new to this site, rather nervous and not sure about where to start. Kinda hope writing this will help. I suppose I am after some opinions/advice from those who are going through a divorce....
I am 29, have known my husband for 11 years, he is 5 years older than me. We have been on and off for those 11 years - got back together 3 years ago. We took it slow this time, I wanted to see where things would go and after a year and a bit things were going really well and we bought a flat together. 9 months later he asked me to marry him, which I was thrilled about. We got married in July last year (such an amazing, loving, lavish wedding that his parents kindly paid for) and in September we started trying for a baby. During the first week of January, I found I was pregnant about the same time he told me he was not happy and had not been happy for 3 months or so. This was complete news to me - he never gave me any indication of his unhappiness. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked at me with disgust and after a few mins said that he didn't want anything to do with the baby whatsoever. If I chose to have the baby he would make his financial contribution as required but would have no involvement whatsoever. Well, I completely broke down. I was crying so hysterically I could not breathe. He packed a suitcase and left. No explaination as to why he was unhappy, said that we were too different and that we lived like room mates instead of a married couple - he did not 'feel' married. He would not even try and work it out - just decided he wanted a divorce. No discussion about it. Thought that getting married would make him happy but it hasn't.
He left on the Sunday and I called work to explain (they were great) and had the week off. I was in peices - probably as hormones were all over the place too. I could not eat, sleep, kept crying, throwing up - the works. He never called me once to see how I was, showed no concern and no compassion - still hasn't to this day by the way! Just left me too it. He has his own problems which I could go on forever about and is on anti-depressant medication.
I saw a solicitor who confirmed that I would have to wait until July for a divorce and that I would have to divorce him under unreasonable behaviour. Apparently he has no grounds for divorce as I have not done anything wrong and didn't want any of this. Upside is that he will probably have to pay the costs. Least he can do really!
I had everything I wanted....a lovely home, husband and was pregnant and within an hour he had taken it all away. I had a termination about 4 weeks ago and, as much as I wanted a child so badly I cannot begin to say, it was the right decision for me. Obviously I am still incredibly sad about it all but have to move on.
With hindsight, I think I should not have married him. Don't get me wrong, I did love him. But I think I settled and compromised too much on too many things about him - all because I was and still am fixated on having a home, marriage and a baby by the time I am 30. It's what I want and still want. And if I am really honest, I wasn't happy either but because I wanted those things so badly - I was willing to overlook everything else.
I don't understand how I got this way. Anyone who knows me would describe me as a very indepedent, confident, happy girl. Somehow with him, I think I feel insecure and feel I can't do anything without him - very unlike me.
I have hardly spoken to him - we only speak if it's something to do with the sale of the flat. I am almost back to my normal self and stronger until I hear from him or any member of his family.
I feel ashamed to be getting a divorce so quickly and so early on. I really believed and still believe in marriage - he obviously doesn't. I suppose it's better to find out now rather than 10 unhappy years later - but that doesn't hold much comfort I have to say. I wanted the fairytale and I thought I had it. I think I am more upset about getting a divorce and the termination than I am about the relationship being over? Does that make any sense?!
What happens IF I meet someone else? How do I explain all of this, and when?, and will that person want me after he finds this all out? What does this say about me? All of my questions are along these lines...!
I feel like I made a huge mistake but so incredibly jealous of all the other people I know who are getting married, having kids etc etc. Not sure how to get over this part?!
Anyways, any advice or thoughts you can send my way would be much appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
Show/Hide comments
Angel557
said:
| February 29, 2008 | ||
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2 very big things have happen to you in recent weeks, divorce is hard having a termination is a very difficult and personnel choice to make , you may need counselling to cope with that.we all wanted and believed in that fairy tale otherwise none of us would be sitting here now.it does get easier as time goes on and you will move on in time as for telling a new partner he would except what you have done your not the first women to do this and you will not be the last , your being too hard on yourself.you need a little me time right now to get over this , were here to listen to you and help each other get through this mess. | |
denmanra
said:
| March 01, 2008 | ||
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this is a very sad story caz, and i can understand the pain from a relationship point of view, however no man will ever understand the pain a woman would have to go through to make the decision you did to terminate your pregnancy, there are some very good people on here that will support you through what is an extremely tough period, I would agree with the counselling aspect, and You have made the first positive stride by coming on here, You will hear a lot of the cliche " it does get better" keep thinking that, because over time it will, good luck Ricky |
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sexysadie
said:
| March 01, 2008 | ||
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You are obviously going through a very sad time, and probably with hindsight it was a mistake to have married him. But it was a mistake anyone could have made, and the end of the marriage isn't your fault. You are still young and, in time, you can make a better relationship and have a life together and children. It will get better, but you need time to recover - and I am not surprised at all that you are focusing on the loss of your baby at the moment, as so much of your hopes were bound up in that pregnancy. Anyone worth loving in the future will not blame you for any of this. All it says about you is that you are a loving person who was hurt very badly. You took a responsible and very painful decision to terminate your pregnancy; sometimes we do have to take such terrible decisions. And you have been abandoned. Get yourself some counselling to help you come to terms with what has happened to you and stop you falling for such useless men in the future, and give yourself some time. You will be fine in the end. Best wishes, Sadie |
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mummybear38
said:
| March 01, 2008 | ||
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Feel so sad reading your blog Caz, can relate to so much of what you say and am so very sorry you had to experience the trauma of terminating a pregnancy. That in itself is enough for any woman to suffer and I do wish you a speedy recovery. There is nothing wrong with having dreams and aspirations we all do so to a certain extent but please try not to compare yourself with others around you - you never know what is actually going on behind their closed doors and your seemingly happy friends could be engulfed in desperately unhappy relationships too. I do know how you feel as I expected to be married forever and grow old with my ex-husband although something inside always knew we would never make it. You really need to start loving and caring for yourself before you even think about the 2.5 children, house and volvo Caz, you are still young enough to experience all those things and so much, much more only next time with a man who truly loves you and wants to spend the rest of his days with you. Its very early days and I am sorry to say that your pain will not disappear over night, but do not despair Caz as slowly but surely you will recover and you never know you might even look back on this experience and say "what on earth did I ever see in him." That day came for me and I am sure it will for you but give yourself time, care for yourself and show yourself the compassion that you clearly feel for others and the light will appear at the end of the tunnel I promise.. |
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broken1
said:
| March 03, 2008 | ||
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Caz, Agree with most of the previous post's on here and in answer to your question.What happens IF I meet someone else? How do I explain all of this, and when?, I don't think you do need to explain yourself, what happened happened, and if you do decide to tell them,you will know when the time is right and if that person loves you everything will be ok. You say you feel ashamed to be getting divorced so quickly, Don't ! From what I understand, it was not your choice,you have done nothing wrong so please don't feel ashamed. |
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