random thoughts and update

Feeling the need to off load some of the stuff going round me head.

 Had to laugh the other day, someone happened to say hello, how are you at just the wrong time to me and I kinda went of on one - my reply....

Well lets see, the woman I've devoted half my life to doesn't love me anymore and is leaving me for something I did while under huge amounts of stress that was totally out of character. I have two children who I'm not going to get to be part of their every day lives anymore, the older one will have to cope with daddy not being there every day for over 50% of the time she's going to be living at home and 75% for the younger one. I have a house that I can't afford any more but can't afford the advertising to get it sold quickly. I miss sleeping in my own bed and I've not had any adult affection (not talking about sex) for over 6 months. So yeah I'm just peachy!!

Don't think they quite knew what to do or say at that point, did make me laugh later though.

The job hunting is going slowly but I guess it always does to start with, waiting for closing dates to pass then preying for the phone to ring.

On the surface things between my stbx and myself are much the same, although some information came my way which suggests she's being less than kind behind my back in fact the phrase totally two faced comes to mind.

So once more I'm just waiting for things to happen. I keep going by telling myself that this is her choice, yes I did something wrong - I stole money from my employer and didn't tell her we were in trouble. However at the time I was under a great deal of stress and one of the key symptoms of stress is changes in behaviour. Right now I just want to get on with my life, if she wants to work with me to try and build a life together then fine but if she doesn't then that is her choice.

In some respects I'm quite looking forward to the single life as I can go and do the stuff I want to do without having to worry about anyone else. Well that's what I tell myself but I guess like most people in the same situation I'll fill my evenings doing stuff to make up for the huge void that used to be filled by a wife and two kids.

I have a lot of anger towards my stbx right now due to the kids, not that she will limit contact or anything, well other than maybe moving them 200 miles away - cheers for that! I was trying to explain this to her the other day and asked her to put herself in my shoes for a second. If she was the one that was only going to get to see her kids every now and again and not be there to kiss them goodnight or be involved in there every day lives, how would she feel towards the person making that choice? From a male point of view I think sometimes the impact of losing our kids is sometimes forgotten but we're men and are supposed to just get over it. I know we can be total twats at times but ladies please remember we love them just as much as you do.

Anyway onwards and upwards and as Mitchum likes to say we deserve better!

MW xx