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Feb 25
2008
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I just read my blog and realised that I hadn't updated it for a while and had left it in rather unclear position.
I couldn't really undestand why I clung to hope one minute and then would swing to divorce very quickly afterwards. I though that I was indecisive, unable to rationally think it through.
Then I came across the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross model used in times of grief, despair or major life changes. There are five stages she argues;
The stages are:
- Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
- Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
- Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
- Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
- Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
More confusing is that many people go through them, not necessarily in that order, not all of them and sometimes you may visitsome stages more than once.
So sometimes I was getting to Acceptance, something would happen to make me reconsider this and I would be back at Denial or Bargaining.
My thanks to Mike62 who helped me think through where I actually was. If it wasn't for the children, would we have the same views, aspirations, interests? Do we have quality time just for the two of us? interesting conversations? Do we have the resources and drive to 'fix' it to move out of the position we are in?
It all became much clearer. There are still swings when you think 'If only we both..' but it is just a forlorn hope and it is time to plan for a different future.
Thanks to all those on this site and especialy the chatrooms who listen when I am sad, put up with me when I am feeling strong and treat me as an individual.
You know who you are.
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mummybear38
said:
| February 25, 2008 | ||
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Oh Jules, mummybear needs the tissues again and I was going to be strong today. My heart goes out to you so much and many here know exactly the pain you are feeling right now and I am glad you have got the stage of acceptance on your list as this one brings light at the end of tunnel. I had the same list and felt like I kept going back to denial for ages, touched anger, and got stuck in depression for ages and then suddenly acceptance arrives and what a relief it brings too. Don't be too hard on yourself if you find you go two steps forward and one step back its all part of getting there. You have done more than most to save your marriage and I admire you for that and also the fact you have been so open and honest in your blogs. BIG HUG from mummybear jules xx | |
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Jacko
said:
| February 25, 2008 | ||
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Hey Jules, All the things you have stated in your list have happened to me as well!! I know just how you feel!! I just hung on for 31/2 years hoping things would get better! a real roller coaster ride of emotions it became. I never wanted to be a no resident parent!! Just the little things such as over hearing the boys conversations and bickering of the day!! That let you know were they were at in their little lives. Just going into a bedroom at night and gently tussling a little head or covering a little body that?s kicked all the bed clothes! just the things you take for granted are the ones I miss the most. I never wanted to move away either but things got so bad! I had to! I came close to a nervous break down at one stage. The aggravation she caused me was unbelievable! Id never seen the inside of a police cell before!! It?s not the kind off thing you start to do at 45!! Sorry I digress with my own story!! What I was tying to say that once you get past all the hurt and acceptance of the situation kicks it does actually start to get better!! It does! Though id be lying if I said I never got down about the things from time to time. It gets to a point you can no longer do any more! no matter how hard you try and resolve the impossible. For your own sanity you have to let go! I did! Eventually! I guess I managed to get into the mindset that I had to retain my sanity for the boys sakes!! I didn?t want to lose them all together! I really did have visions of ending up on the street!! Sadly I only get to see the boys once a month as I know live 230 miles away. But the time we spend together is usually really very good! And I have to say I now probably enjoy a better relationship with the boys than I did when I lived with them!! But you have to believe it?s going to get better it will!! It does!! |
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ChrisM
said:
| February 25, 2008 | ||
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I think I did the list backwards. Weird huh. I dont think you march thru it but I think you visit all or most of the stages. I have met people that have been in the 1st stage for years and also met people that have not been touched by any of it. So I suppose it depends on the type of person you are and what happned to you. For instance someone that has had the shite kicked out of them for years will feel differently to someone betrayed to someone who has been walked out on. I think therefore that your experiance depends on your circumstances. Wow, what a twat I am lol. Chris. | |
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scottishlady
said:
| February 25, 2008 | ||
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FBGS..... I think the stages you talk about affect different people in different ways.... as Chris said, it depends on a number of things..... but, on the whole, I recognise the stages... Personally, I am fluctuating between acceptance and anger...... mostly acceptance I have to say.... I believe that the divorce route can cause one to think they are thinking 'irrationally'... I haven't experienced the 'bargaining' or 'depression' stage.... oh, I get down... but, certainly not to be mistaken as depression.... I think the to-ing and fro-ing inbetween your thoughts are only natural..... at the end of the day, this isn't a route that most of us would have 'chosen' to take is it? Take good care SL PS..... Glad you enjoyed the cake   |
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