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Feb 22
2008
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the old mePosted by FrankieLee in the good times, my story, choosing to stay or go, abuse and violence |
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I can vaguely remember having a life. I went to college, had good friends, and I was happy. We played pool, I wore make up, and I didn't have a husband. I had my daughter, I lived with my mother, we were OK. I went to college, I got my degree, my hair was styled, my nails were manicured, my clothes were nice, I had a cute car. I was me.
Now? Not so much. I sit in a nice house and wax lyrical about how I could've been someone. I am an educated woman and I feel so stiffled.
After the past days events I loathe my husband. He abuses me for being unemployed and yet he was the one who pressured me to give up my job. We are at such different points in our lives and I beg that one day we'll meet, we'll be One, but I know it is unrealisitic.
He lied to me again today. He told me we had money, over £200, yet came home empty handed. We've had no food for over two weeks now, I've been living off my family to feed my daughter, and I feel so demoralised.
After the last 'episode' I don't know where I stand.
He was supposed to take today off work to heal our marriage. He went until 7.25am before telling me he was needed in the office. He told me he'd been to the bank and had money in his pocket - he lied. I sat with my daughter, waiting for him to come home, expecting money, food, and he failed, again.
I want to walk away from this marriage. I want to go, say Fuck You, and move on. But how can I? I'm tied to my husband through economics. If I leave, I walk away from my home, my stability and I don't know how to start again.
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mike62
said:
| February 23, 2008 | ||
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Frankie Lee, where to start? You are trying so so hard to make it all work. Your husband is treating you very badly. He is showing absolutley no repect for you or your daughter. It is so wrong for him to treat you in the way he is. Marriage is a commitment between two people to each other. An unconditional comittment. We are saying to each other 'For life'. Not for tonight, or this week. But love plays a cruel game with us. Once we are hooked, we will endure incredible pain to get our fix of our partner. Common sense and reason go flying through the window, hotly pursued by self esteem and emotional well being. You talk of a husband of just over a year. SO if he is like this now, how will he be in 5, 10, 20 years? He fundamentally does not understand the concept of comittment. Perhaps he wasn't ready to marry, to give that comittment. Perhaps he is a selfish, serial philanderer who sees you as a convenient bolt hole if things elsewhere are quiet. I don't know him. But what I do know is that he is tearing you to pieces. He is showing a complete and utter disregard of your needs. Not just in one area. No money? No food? No respect? No love? Frankie, he is appalling. There is simply no excuse for his behaviour. But love prevails on your part. What about your basic human needs? What about your sanity? What about your happiness? You are far far too good for him Frankie. But you know that, deep down in your heart. You and your daughter are what is important. Draw a line in the sand and be coldy analytical. Can you make it work? How many lies has he told you? How much does he care about you or your daughter that he can't even provide you with food? I think that you need to do two things Frankie. See your doctor, because you are seriously depressed. If you honestly believe that there is hope for you and he in your marriage, seek help with Relate. If you don't, then draw a line and ask him to leave. That is sooooo hard for you to contemplate. But maybe that will be the thing that shocks him into either being a husband, or leaving you and allowing both of you to move on and have a life. A life where you are happy and contented. Good luck Frankie. There are no easy answers, but you have to be very cold and objective and decide. Take care of yourself, and your daughter. Let your family help you - ask for help from them or from here. There is a way out of the economic strangle hold, but you need to be emotionally ready to take it. Be true to yourself. Mike |
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highlandlass
said:
| February 23, 2008 | ||
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HI Frankie I can't add much more to what Mike has already said (and I echo his thoughts entirely). No food for you and your daughter? that is heartbreaking. You may not feel that you are strong enough to improve your situation, whatever you decide, but you will find that strength from deep within yourself. I wish you well, and please keep in touch to let us know how you are. Best wishes Ruby x |
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starry_eyes
said:
| February 23, 2008 | ||
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Hi Frankie, your story is very sad, i cant imagine how you feel, i think Mike has said it all, i hope you are strong enough to try and make some changes, what you have now is not a life and you have a lovely daughter who wants to see her mum happy. Its not going to be easy, but in time if you make the right choices things will become easier. I wish i could say something positive about your husband but i cant find anything from what you say. You said in your other blog that he said he has feelings with someone from work, and then took it back and said he made it up? What is all this, mind games? What really broke my heart was the fact that there is no food for your daughter, that is disgracefull. What is this man good for? You need to find a lot of inner strength, you still have a chance of happiness ahead of you even though you cant see it right now. Take care of yourself and your daughter Hugs stary |
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Soeur
said:
| February 24, 2008 | ||
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I would never want to send the message that Wikivorce isn't great because it is. I can still go back to that place, the rawness of the moment when I found out my husband of fourteen years was having a year long affair. I was struggling with a diagnosis of kidney disease and lupus and he was with another woman. It's almost two years later, and I still wonder how he could have treated me that way. Was it all a lie? I feel for you Frankie this is a difficult time. I have watched the site for awhile since I registered. That said your raw feelings regarding the first time you realized things weren't going to work in your marriage strikes me as do the responses. My friends and I have started a blog for women in divorce or separation www.suitedesoeur.org, our first blog post is about this issue - the feelings in the beginning the complete chaos. The raw emotions. We would love to invite you to share there as well. XXSoeur. |
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Soeur
said:
| February 24, 2008 | ||
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Frankie- Mike62 felt that my post to you might have simply been a marketing ploy, which could not have been further from my intention. And when I said that I have been watching the site - let me clarify that I never join a blog site prior to watching it for a small period of time, that's just me. As I said previously, this couldn't be a more difficult time, you feel numb, your mind races, the fear of the future is enormous, and while I didn't have a child when my husband left. I was suffering from an autoimmune disease and came out of remission - only for him to say he couldn't deal with my health any longer. You don't know what the future will hold, but I can tell you after a year and half out of my beginning of the end, it does get better, and you will be strong, because you have a beautiful daughter to strive for. Because of my situation, and friends who are dealing with the same, we have made a commitment to build a non-profit site that is specifically geared toward women, I wouldn't be making my life's mission this site if I hadn't walked through the wilderness. I read your post, and I was transported back to the difficulty of my ow debaucle, and I apologize if I have given any improper messages to you or anyone at wikivorce. Any certainly we welcome anyone to share at suitedesoeur.org - and hope you will see the sincerity in this post. XXSoeur |
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