Rough weeks ahead...

So...here we go.

After cancelling the last 2 times my x2b was supposed to have visitation with our son, she finally seems to have come through. I will be meeting her at the airport early tomorrow morning and he will be flying home with her for 2 weeks.

She has spent a grand total of 12 days since September 17th. Only one full week, which was the week of Christmas and I nearly forced her to spend that week with him. I had to update her on his potty training program, his breakfast likes and dislikes, what I pack in his lunch daily, what he likes to watch on TV, what he likes to sleep in, etc. How sad is that? She has promised to bring him home early if he does not adjust to where she's staying or he starts to miss home too much. If all goes well, this will be a very looooong 2 weeks for me.

The upside is, I am actually looking forward to a little "adult" time. Time to go out and socialize. Some time to sleep an extra hour and get up and head into work. Maybe some time to meet a lady friend.

On that front, I met a single mom that I chatted with on a local "single parents group". We had lunch and, although she is pretty, I did not find any attraction to her. She's only 26 (to my 33) and she had just completed her first court visit to get her divorce under way. She has a son, age 2. Since then, she has been very busy sending me txt messages all day long and making some suggestive comments. As probable as an intimate encounter may be, I'm still not emotionally there yet. I can't bring myself to "cheat on my wife". How rediculous does that sound? Not cheat on the woman who has been living with her new partner for almost 6 months!

In that world, many new turns have taken place. The x2b has been very proactive in discussing a potential "future" between the 2 of us. For the first time since she left, I suggested we consider divorce, and she instantly replied with comments against that and asked me hold off for a while. When asked, "why?", she replied, "I guess I still have hope." I don't know how to feel about that.

I've gone from being the one waiting and begging for her to consider a resolution in favor of staying married, to being the one who has no hesitation in being very blunt in my comments about her cruel and heartless actions and behaviour. I said just about everything I can to drive her to guilt. It has worked, but I wonder if that was my only goal? Did I just want her to feel (almost) as bad as I have felt? Do I really want her back still?

I know I still love her. I can't say if I'm still "in love" with her. I try to figure out how it would work every single day. Would I be mean and vindictive and torture her emotionally until she left again? Would my goal be to drive her away? Would I ever trust her again? Could I ever look at her like I used to and feel what I felt for those 7 years? Or would I look at her and imagine her sleeping with this man? Every time she hugged me or kissed me, how could I not imagine her doing that with him?

I don't personally know any couples who have ever gotten through an event such as this and rebuilt a strong marriage. I hear stories. My marriage conselor tells me of couples who have done so and are stronger in their bond than ever. I wonder if it's all just a myth to get us through it?

So. We'll see how this 2 weeks goes. I wonder if she'll have something to discuss upon his return home?

I'll keep you posted.

-Chris