Where will you go?

Phew. Life has been a bit interesting. When I last wrote an entry, my husband had suggested that we sell the house and buy two smaller ones next to each other. I looked into it, and of course, as expected, there was no way that could be afforded. The idea was that if - or rather when - we ended the marriage, we sold up, and split the proceeds.

This would leave my husband with a nice deposit on his next place, but it would leave me in a difficult position. I work part time, so that I am available for the kids. Like most part time jobs, I am not well paid. I do not earn enough to have a mortgage, even with a big deposit, so I would be looking at renting. Renting a property big enough for me and the kids would deplete my capital very quickly. Of course I could look for full time work, but there are a lot of people already looking with more qualifications than me. The other problem with renting is most landlords don't want pets - and those places that allow them seem to allow only one. We - or rather, the children - have two dogs. Hubby was saying that he wanted to share care of the kids. But he works 9 to 6, and that's on a good day. He routinely and regularly works overtime, so I can't see how shared care would work. Would I get to have them after school and he have them weekends? Our kids are home bodies, they are not active kids, and I was getting upset thinking about all the moving from place to place they would be required to do - never calling one place home.

Anyway, I was worrying. I was worrying about the kids having to deal with their parents splitting at the same time as having to move out of their family home, and maybe having to give up one or both dogs. Hubby was saying he was after shared care, but I could not see how that would work when he works a minimum of an 8 hour day. My kids love routine, and the familiar - they are not adventurous kids. I could not see them coping well with living in two homes, being passed from pillar to post. It seemed to me they would lose out under that arrangement. And my daughter is already showing signs that could be depression.

In short, it seemed that what hubby was proposing would set him up nicely, but would be upsetting for everyone else. And I think the mere fact of us splitting will be devastating to my kids. It was devastating to them in September.

I realised that I was going along with whatever hubby suggested, on the grounds that the kids would suffer if we fought, but maybe as a Mum I should be making more of a stand to protect the kids. So I decided to sit back, and let him tell the Relate counsellor that he wanted to split - and he didn't. He just said as he had for several months that he wasn't sure what he wanted - that both splitting and reconciling seemed too hard. The counsellor said she could help us split, or help us reconcile, but as it was we were going round in circles and she had to take us off their books.

Just to be clear, I voted to reconcile every time.

The next few days were hard - I wondered if hubs had expected me to push for a split at Relate, he seemed annoyed with me, and barely spoke to me. And then on the Saturday, just as I was about to go out, he suddenly asked for a hug, told me he loved me, and that he wanted to spend the remainder of his life with me. There was a time when I would have cancelled my lunch date, thrown myself in his arms, and been over the moon at him saying something like that. But those times have gone, because I was incredibly wary. I asked him how sure he was that he really felt this way, and he said he'd been thinking for two days about it, and was really sure. I said that I would talk to him in another two days if he felt the same.

It was slightly longer than that when I did talk to him, as I got ill - and when I did say "lets talk" he said he was too tired. So I asked him to just tell me if he felt the same way - and he said - "well.... it was a bit spur of the moment, and having seen the way you reacted, I am not so sure that it will work now."

Writing it down, it doesn't seem like much. After all, I had been wary - so it should not have been much of a surprise. And it wasn't, really. I wasn't surprised. But I was devastated. I started having panic attacks - and though I had been having maybe a couple of them a week anyway, I began having several a day. I had to leave work after 45 minutes the day after, and I got signed off for a week when I saw my doctor. I realised that I could not continue in this way, so I got a recommendation for a lawyer, and went to see her.

The lawyer reassured me that given our finances, the kids and I should be able to keep the house. You have no idea of the relief. Apart from the fact that I do not have to worry that we must get rid of the dogs, my daughter wants to start growing veg, and also to redecorate her bedroom. If we were selling, then we could grow no veg, and she wouldn't be able to do her room to her style, so I had been making excuses why we couldn't start these things, and she was getting very angry and frustrated by it. Now I can happily begin those things with her, knowing whatever happens, it is likely that she will be able to stay in her home.

Hubby was aghast when I told him what kind of money he would be likely to have to fork out to keep the kids - and me -  in the home, and he suddenly decided that he did want to reconcile after all. His story now is that he always wanted to reconcile, but he wanted to work on some of his issues first, and thought he had time to so that. Now I have been to see a lawyer, he realises he does not have time.

Other than one weekend, a fortnight or so after that, he hasn't really made any attempts to reconcile. He wont talk through what has happened, saying he can't remember, or he tells me tall tales that are so obviously not true (such as that he wanted to sell the house only to buy a mortgage free one for me and the kids, he always intended to rent). As I said, he made a massive effort to be pleasant one weekend, offering me drinks and meals left right and centre. I was very wary, and the effort must have exhausted him, as the next day he was back to barely speaking to me, and soon after that he said he wanted one of us to leave the house.

"Where will you go?" I asked.

I have stopped having panic attacks almost completely. Just knowing that he does have some legal responsibility to look out for his kids is a huge relief. Not hearing him say all the time that reconciling looks like it would be too hard - so he wont bother trying, is a relief. Hubby said he would make a plan to leave the house at the end of March. He thinks that some distance will help us reconcile. I can't see how.  Of course I realise that he might have been talking "spur of the moment", but it seems strangely unimportant. The fact that the kids will have minimal disruption if/when we do split, that is just glorious.