My Story

So, reading through some of your blogs, has helped me not feel so alone and I shall now tell my story.....

A friend of mine had been seeing a guy online but didn't trust him, she asked for me to join the site and try to talk to the guy, in the hope of catching him out. Of course he was a bad egg and she soon dumped him.

Whilst on this site a lad started to talk to me, months passed and we exchanged numbers and would spend hours chatting online.

One day flowers arrived for me from my work (I was off sick) He had found out the florists I worked at and got them delivered to me, I was bowled over and we arranged to meet.

I have never felt such a connection with someone so fast, he came to take me to the movies and ended up not going and staying with me for the weekend, I would drive up to Bristol every other day and he down to me.

2 weeks later as we lay in bed, he asked me to marry him (now he knew I wasnt the marrying kind, I had had a 7 year relationship and a 2 year and marriage and children never entered my head) but as I lay there feeling so in love, the words "yes" popped out. I moved to Bristol and left family and my job instantly.

I have never felt happier in my whole life.

2 months later was my wedding, it was held in Scotland (he is scottish and his family were still there) The day was all arranged by him and I didnt do anything, at the time I thought it was wonderful, a man doing it all and me not worrying, it was infact him controlling me and a vision of the life I was to lead.

We started trying for a baby straight away and things were wonderful, till a few months later I uttered those 2 little words "I'm pregnant"

I ended up waking up eating carpet at the bottom of the stairs, I hurt like I never hurt before and wondered what had happened,where was my husband?

A piece of paper was on the coffee table, it was a DNA form from 99, it said my husband wasnt the biological father to this child - WHAT CHILD? WHAT IS THIS?

He came home drunk a few hours later, I asked him what had happened, he said he didnt know and had been out all day, I was concerned. He told me he was with a woman for years and raised this child for 6 months as his own, then found out she had been sleeping with his friend. The test followed and he wasnt the father and left them.

I felt awful for him and confused too. Why would he take it out on me? Cos by now I knew he had pushed me down those stairs.

He appologised and said it made him flip out and would never happen again. I of course believed him and just felt terrible for him, but also realised I didnt know so much about him.

I lost the baby the next day.

Over the months I discovered he had served time in the Army prison for going AWOL for 3 months when he was supposed to be sent to Iraq, he served 9 months then got medically discharged.

He had a great job as a manager in a call centre and earnt a good wage but we never had any money, I would always have to call my folks for rent or bills.

One day, he came home and said I was to leave my job, he didnt like the hours I did and he felt I was enjoying myself too much.. I said I liked it and had made friends but soon he started to say I couldnt go out, I wasnt to wear the clothes I wore and he insisted on all my passwords for my online things so he could check up on me (due to his insecurities of being cheated on, I had nothing to hide so let him)

He wanted a new job and got a great position, the first week he took to drinking after work, coming home after midnight and lashing out on me.. I lost my job due to being too embarressed to go to work with black eyes and bruises. We moved to a house out of town and nearer to his work but an hours drive from mine.

I lived in fear of him coming home, at weekends he'd go to see the football, and return 2 days later and bash me to a pulp. I liked him not being there, cos I was safe.

I was affraid to call police, to tell people. One night was very bad, I went online and spoke to my friend in Canada, I took pictures and showed her, she said I had to leave and I knew she was right. I was ill, so stressed, I had started to have panic attacks, my left eye was constantly bust and I was getting headaches just walking. I was slowly losing the will to live.

Friday came, I knew he'd not come home, I had it all planned out, today I would not be affraid any more.

It got to lunchtime, I drank a bottle of red ( a glass and im pis*ed as such a lightweight) I got the kitchen knife and I ran a bath. As I lay in there crying my eyes out, I didn;t want to die, but I didnt want to live this life anymore either. Alcohol and emotions took over me and I picked up the knife. The blood was oozing out of me, I cut my wrist again, thinking it would make it go away faster - then the doorbell went, it was the landlord. I jumped out and tried to hide what I had done, made out I was bathing and couldnt have visitors but clearly I was a wreck. She asked if I was ok and I just said I wanted her to leave, she did but then as I was feeling guilt for what I had done, fearing him coming home and seeing me like this I was all confused and feeling bad.

She rang my husband and within the hour he was there screaming and shouting at me, handing me the knife and saying why didnt i finish the job off. I wrapped my wrists up and went to my friends house and told her everything. I stayed a week and didnt want to go back. This man had abused me, battered me and made me try to take my own life rather than face his daily abuse - how did it get this way? I loved life, I love my family and friends, yet him dancing in my face, taunting me daily, making me feel unnatractive and not trusting me had pushed me to the limit!

I went to the house for some belongings when I thought he was out, he wasnt. we talked, he said he would get help and was so sorry for destroying me and I had showed him just how cruel he had been.

A month passed and things were as they were at first, he still had a beer or two after work but weekends he didnt go out and he pampered me but didnt take me out anywhere bar the supermarket.

August came round and I thought we would be ok again. We had a good month and he hadnt raised his voice, let alone his fists to me.

He returned home at 2am drunk. He came and woke me and told me to cook for him, I was so half asleep but darent refuse him. i set to making him food and he grabbed me and tied me up. He danced around me and laughed at me - the food was burning and he went crazy that I had burnt his tea - even though I was tied up to the chair.

I had learnt to never laugh, never answer back and to definately never look directly into his eyes. He went to bed and left me there all night till he woke up the next day.

Inside I was dead. He couldnt hurt me anymore, I felt the blows and when he'd taunt me I was upset but I was so used to it by now it was like changing your bedsheets - routine!

A friend came to call on me as I had not been in work, he returned and asked her to leave instantly. She said she was stopping for her tea and we were going out for a drink. He said he had surprise plans for me and if she could take me out another day. she left.

The next day we moved (my 4th time in a year and our 3rd place together in 14 months marriage) it was just one van and the 2 of us, it was a slog and the control freak did all of it. I just lifted what I was told to and put it where he told me.

I have since watched sleeping with the ememy with Julia Roberts, and that is how I would desribe my life! It was as if they had looked into the future and made it into a film.

The new house he chose was awful but I couldnt say that, I went around saying how nice it was and hoped the fresh start would do us good.

3 days into our move and he didnt come home. I knew I was in for it, i sat there looking at the clock waiting for him, nothing!

I went to bed about 1 but I couldnt sleep, my sister called me up, I said he wasnt home yet and was going to sleep as I had work at 6. the door banged shut, he was screaming my name and my sister could hear, he grabbed the phone and threw it to the floor and dragged me out of bed. He caught me a blinder on my eye socket that knocked me dead to the floor, I came round dizzy and sick, not being able to see at all from it. I could see a reflection and held my hand out, he was stood over me physically shaking holding a knife.

I tried to show no fear, I asked if he;d call an ambulance as I couldnt see right and felt so ill, he refused and said i didnt need one. He dragged me downstairs, telling me that I would make less mess on the lino than up there on the carpet, I didnt say a word, I just had thoughts of how I could get out... we got to the kitchen and he just stood there shaking and laughing at me, I asked him to hurry up, said that prologing it would just make it worse. He enjoyed the power I think and walked around me flicking my hair with the knife and pretending to jab me with it.

I could see he was very drunk and not so quick on his feet, my phone was upstairs, I had the cordless one a hand reach away and the back door was not locked.

I stared at him and a flash of what my life was like with him at first came to me, then a blink and the knife. Rage filled me up, I pushed him with all my might, I grabbed the phone and ran to the car hitting 999 as I ran the 20 yards. I locked myself in and told them to come.

He was banging at the door and I was just crying, I said I was on the phone to my sister, asking if I could go down visit to give him some space. He was trying to sweet talk me back in. I turned the key and drove up the road.

The police came in minutes, I stopped them and told them he was there with the knife. They went to the house and returned a few moments later saying noone was in, the doors locked and no answer, I said there was no way he wasnt there and I had literally just left him. I gave them the keys and they let themselves in.

What seemed like an age later, the car drive past me, then the officer came with my keys and said shed be back about 5am to take my statement.

I called mum and told her everthing, she drove up and waited with me for the cops to arrive. They said he was drunk and uncoperative and instead of him being out by 8am like theyd thought, they had kept him till almost 6pm. I had refuge place to go to and CSI appointments for my injuries, facial scans. The refuge was awful, far worse than you'd ever imagine.

I couldnt tell anyone where I was. I had no posessions NOTHING!

I was so happy. I lay in bed unable to sleep and totally distraught at what had happened but I was safe. I had finally been set free and I wish I had done it the very first time he touched me.

In time I left the refuge and wanted a divorce, he refused and to save money I said he should send papers and i would sign them.

He isnt allowed to contact me but emails an old account I had I said was ok as I didnt want to speak to him and knew I would have to discuss certain things.

I changed all accounts and have received no mail for over 6 months now, it all went to our old address.

Life is tough but I believe in karma, so many people wanted to teach him a lesson but I told them no. He will get his come uppance for what he did to me, one way or another.

I married a fantastic guy, one that made me weak at the knees and he blew me away - he turned into a monster who destroyed my inner being and took away all my confidence and made me into a quivering wreck.

The police call me a victim - I call myself a survivor!!

Life isnt easy and I feel like I married him and led that life for a reason,I just dont know what that is yet. One day I will find out.

He sent me divorce papers and I returned them stating I left him for DV but wouldnt contest the divorce as I want rid and he clearly knows now I wont be going back.

He hasnt returned the thing for the decri nisi but on monday I will find out if he has - if not I will have to do my own cross petition.

I dont know how or what to feel now, one day Im frightend he will find me, and the next i walk about feeling so lucky to be alive.

If I lived my life again, I would probably do everything the same. I loved him with all my heart and had never been so happy. Those first 5 months were worth all the pain and suffering I endured. And of course,I cant write down everything that happened.