How not to start married life

I thought I would share this little tale, to illustrate how marriages can get into difficulties from an early stage. It also explains why I was in a foul mood this weekend!

For those who don't know me, I have a small country house hotel and run it with my stbx. Basil and Sybil in the flesh.

First wedding of 2008. 65 guests for the wedding breakfast and the bride's mum is doing a Hyacinth Bouquet. She is so making a point about 'look at us, we are special'. Special indeed. Second weekend in February and Hyacyinth insists on having a marquee. We point out that it is freezing, and the function suite can hold about 3 times what her marquee will be holding, but no - A marquee is what is required. OK. Marquee delivered on Thursday. Hyacinth comes to check it out on Friday. Can't set anything up, as being February there will be so much condensation in the tent that the table cloths will be wringing wet by Saturday. Along with the printed napkins, the namecards, the favours, the 'floral displays'. Hyacinth not happy. Wants to supervise us putting them all out. Like we can mess that up? OK, Hyacinth returns on Sauturday morning to supervise us. Has to rush off to the hairdressers - Peace reigns again. All ready.

Bride and Groom arrive in stretched limo, Basil ready to greet them with Bucks Fizz. Big smiles all round. Going well so far. Then guests start to arrive - Have to confess this is the first wedding (Done about 100 so far) where we have had a guest dressed in blue jeans and a jumper. Looked like he was coming to do the lawn or something! OK, serve bucks fizz to guests 'No sir, sorry you can't have a pint of Stella instead'. 15 children, all with 666 clearly tatooed on their heads make mayhem, playing tig around the drinks table and the wedding cake. Gentleman with more tattoos than I have ever seen on his arms asks 'Where's the telly? I wanna watch the Man Utd game'. Bride had arranged with us that meal was ro be served at 4:30. At 4:20 bride decides that she wants to do lots of photos. Bite lip hard and go to tell chef to 'hold' his delicious meal for 65, which has been timed to perfection to be ready to serve at 4:30. Usual response from chef - many expletives and 'offs' involved. Fix smile and go to supervise photos. Rugby tackle brides 4 yo to get her in a photo - bride doesn't seem too bothered whether daughter is on photo or not.

Seat guests and start meal service. Marquee is in garden so it takes longer than usual to deliver meals to table. Part way through starters, serving table wine. Called to speak to a guest - Bride's brother. Bride isn't happy. What is wrong? The wine is being served WITH the starters and not before - like I was going to tell chef to hold the soup while I did the wine - Would I be able to guarantee that the sparkling wine would be served in time for the speeches? I'll tip it over your head now if you would like sir!, the waitress told a child off - would that be the child that nearly sent the waitress flying with four bowls of piping hot soup by any chance?, and its taking ages to serve the meal - would that be because it is a 100m sprint from the kitchen to the top of the marquee? Fix smile, apologise profusely to bride for all of our shortcomings.

Main course starts. Mr Tattoos gets into locked bar to put TV on to watch the game. Ask him if he would like to come back to the marquee for his main course 'Naaaa, they're just neighbours, not family, why should I give a fig? (Or something like that) By the end of main course, brides mother is summoning me. 'We have been waiting 2 hours in the marquee for our meal' 2 hours? Actually, it is 55 minutes since the first starters went out. You have also had your main course too. Check your watch. Oh - were we right? Quelle surpris! The waitress was rude to XYZ. How? you put gravy on his sausage and chips, and when he complained, the waitress said that the sausage and chips was a child's meal and he was at least 25, so why did he order a child's meal? Damn - must sack her - NOT

Bride's sister in law calls me over. 'It's very dark in here and cold too'. Resist the urge to point out the obvious. It is February. You are in a tent in the garden. It is minus 2 outside. The sun has set. Politely point out that we didn't actually supply the marquee, but would get a floodlight in to brighten things up.

Serve sparkling wine before dessert goes out. Smile sweetly at bride's brother as I inadvertently spill his over his lap, blaming a passing child knocking my elbow - how convenient! - and apologise profusely. Suddenly feel a bit better.

Speeches - lame as they come. Last all of 5 minutes, including introductions.

Then the fun begins - the evening reception.

Walking down corridor to kitchen. Bride and Best Man are having a serious disagreement. She is telling him that she 'knows' things about him. Ooooer! Ten minutes later and Groom and Best Man are having a serious disagreement about bride's viewpoint. Another 10 mins and Groom's uncle and Groom and Best Man are at it by now. Serious disagreement about something. Bride flounces out of reception hotly pursued by Hyacinth, up to Bridal Suite. Raised voices and slamming doors. More slamming doors. Hyacinth returns to the party looking grim. No bride. Groom overheard at bar saying to best Man that he doesn't know what he has done wrong, but Bride said that she should have married Warren. Quickly check guest list - thank goodness, no Warren. Groom disappears upstairs to Bridal Suite. Lots of raised voices, shaking chandelier, then loud crash. Silence. Groom returns looking grim. Bride returns looking tearful. Bride and Groom at opposite ends of Function Suite. First Dance - how lovely! Such a warm embrace...

Party continues till 12:30. Start clearing up - Find an empty gin bottle and two empty vodka bottles (All litres) under tables - So that's why we sold so much tonic with ice and lemon!

Residents, including Bride and Groom, bride's brother, bride's sister in law and tattoo man want a late drink. Oh dear. Bride has decided to make the day get better by getting legless. Groom also trying to play catch up. Bride tells me what a great job we did for her. Wash out ears. Ask her to repeat. Same response. Huh? Bride's sister in law apologises for complaining about waitresses. Tell her I sacked them all and they will never work in the area again (Like I would do that!). She looked really guilty. Groom takes me to one side to tell me that when he and bride was exchanging views, she had hurled her makeup bag at him, missed and put it through the bedroom window of the Bridal Suite, shattering the glass all over my car below. Can they sort that out when they come back off honeymoon in three weeks? Groom has a mate who is a glazier, who will do him a favour. Of course, we never use that room for months at a time!

Threw them out of the bar at 2:00. Daren't go to bed, as tensions running high. 3:15am Mr Tattoos appears to see if bar is still open. Sees my face, thinks better of it and goes to bed. Hint finally taken. 4:00am - all quiet - go to bed - breakfast to be served in less than four hours.

Go to check out broken window after they leave. See brides broken necklace and matching earrings cast aside on the floor - they won't make it to the memory box. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing - I'm sure she would rather forget the day, just like I would.

So, a day in the life of mike62 - Just another day in paradise!