Doing the best I can

It isn't always easy to meet the expectations  others have of how much I should be doing by now. Even my expectations of myself which for so long have been just to get through the day are beginning to scare me.  Having no job is a problem as I don't feel focused and motivated. As the loss of my job was as a result of not coping with the breakdown of my relationship and the many complications of the affair being linked with my colleague, it's all crumbled and I don't know how to put it together again. I truly am trying to get contracts. It's so difficult when you're free- lance and responsible for setting up your own contracts. Although I'm about to call in a few favours.

I feel like a hypocrite for advising others on Wiki to do what I find so very dificult, well, impossible  at the moment. Some people are so feisty and strong. 'He's the loser and not worthy of you...'  but I loved him and although he changed so much I can hardly recognise the person he's become, I love the man he used to be.

That's who I miss. Where is the man in the photographs? The man with me in Paris, Greece, Dorset, in the Pyrenees, watching sunrise over Mont Blanc, swimming in the river in Provence,  the beach in Cap Breton,  and I just cannot believe that he valued those times so little that he didn't want more.  Friends tell me being patient with myself will help more than frustration at my  lack of progress. 'Doing the best you can to pull yourself through this drama is vastly more important than striving for perfection.'

When I feel the intense emotions that my marriage failed because I wasn't good enough, or simply wasn't enough,  I feel a failure.  People on Wiki tell me that simply by being aware of what I'm experiencing I have begun taking the necessary steps to regaining my internal balance.  Sadly, I haven't yet reached the realisation that the feelings are temporary, I feel they are omnipresent.

How do I begin accepting that the difficult situations which arise from time to time are passing events? Divorce has created a chasm where my life used to be and reality lies suspended above it. It feels so permanent.  

Perhaps the way ahead is to accept that if I am able to do nothing more than acknowledge what I'm feeling and that there is little I can do to affect my current circumstances, in time my attitudes will  alter my reaction to the circumstances.  If that makes any sense at all.

Perhaps I can learn gradually to let negative thoughts come into my mind, recognize them, and then let them go.  I may never achieve perfect peace, but I'll find serenity in having done my best.