Soft play

What is soft play?

Many years ago a fallen angel (demon) was trying to think of new ways of causing injury to adults and at the same time make sure that those injuries would recur again and again, he had allready invented most sports but the inherent problem with those is the adult must choose to play, he was hoping to cause pain from something good like lets say the love of our children, soft play was born.......................

The first thing to understand is that soft play was designed not for children but to cause pain and humiliation for adults mainly men, think of it as an assault course fraught with danger at every turn, it is also a test of endurance all who have suffered soft play will know once the child is unleashed they will bolt at break neck speed and not stop or even slow for the next two hours until time is called or the parent is carted off to hospital with heart failure broken limbs or a myriad of other injuries.

The first test is the entrance to the labyrinth, all with out exception are set at 3ft or less and the novice parent (male) will assume they can follow the child at speed and enter just crouching which leads to the first head injury, this is why the tables closest to the entrance are the most desirable mothers can sit at leisure and watch men whack their heads off what basically is a scaffold post covered in thin foam, what fun!.

Once the lesson is learned and you are on hands and knees you must remember you are still in one huge trap you will be lulled into a false sense of security by areas within the labyrinth where one can stand and ease the pain in whats left of your spine, this inevitably leads to guys trying to stand in other parts adding to the first bump yet more entertainment for the kids who will of course brand you "silly billy".

As you crawl further into the labyrinth you will notice children diving into a ball pit, back flips super man dives the list is endless, at this point your angel will demand you do the same..............as you sail through the air feeling very please with yourself you should hear a bone crunching sound - these are your bones landing in a ball pit that is only three balls deep, safe for a 3ft tall child deadly for the male adult.

If and when you make it to the top floor you will be faced with a twenty meter long slippy bumpy slide with at least five undulations so its dead fall then flat then dead fall and so on, not a problem you think ill have some of this, wrong - you will reach about 100 mph on your four second journey down at this point you should notice a padded wall 3ft from the end of the slide which you are about to leave your full body's impression on, be warned screaming like a girl does not make the impact any lighter it just adds to the entertainment of the mothers at the entrance tables.

Once your child has helped you back to the top :) you will notice children going down the slippy slide on their belly head first and this is fine if you are 3ft from head to toe, any taller and your spine will be flexed in ways God never designed it for, this will result in sixteen weeks of therapy in an attempt to allow you to walk again, oh and by the way they charge an hourly rate that will make your solicitors rate seem very reasonable indeed.

Finally to the most painful injury seen daily at soft play...........the door way`s to each of the many rooms each have coloured plastic strips from top to bottom, never ever approach these doors head on if male! reason being is that a child who is exactly the same height as your inside leg is running at about 30mph at the door you are about to enter, should you collide you will no longer have the option of giving your child a brother or sister in the future.

Work calls so the ramble ends.....................