On the eve of dissolution...

Why am I still so confused? My conscience knows full well that I did give him that 'chance' he kept asking for - which he didn't deserve after he had lost his temper and threatened to throw me in the pool and soon afterwards bang my head against the clock on the wall. It's just the certain knowledge that I didn't want it to happen. I wanted to be married for ever. I just didn't like, couldn't cope with, the person he turned into. I got moods and sulks, asked for a kiss once when he came in from work and got a peck on the cheek, and then he ate dinner without a single word, glued to the television. He wouldn't talk about anything, except to tell me that I was wrong or that I was picking a fight - more fool me for wanting a companion and not just a breadwinner. So long as he got what he needed in bed - quality immaterial, so it seemed, but anyway telling me sometimes that it 'hadn't gone right' (not my problem, you were the one who wanted to) - he never considered that I might not be happy in the marriage any more. He always said that everyone had rows - I couldn't just brush them aside like that, they were so extreme. What he hoped was that by arguing loudly enough about whatever it was, he wouldn't have to deal with it. If I pursued it, if I mirrored his volume, he accused me of starting a fight. If I didn't back down or see it his way, he would start bandying about the D-word. If we didn't 'do it' often enough, he would bring up the D-word. He would tell me, when he didn't want to deal with unresolved issues that that was 'it', he'd had enough. If I did that, if I tried to walk away from an argument and get on with the housework, he would want to pursue it - I wasn't to 'say my piece' and then walk away. In the end, I met someone really nice, who made me happy. I knew it would break my husband's heart, and I didn't want to tell him. Instead, when he pushed me too far, again, I said I wanted a separation. Immediately he wanted another chance. Then he started on about was there someone else. There is someone I am attracted to, and who feels the same way about me. I need time out to figure things out. Instead of letting me move into a place nearby, and working on the issues, he decided he was not going to lose me and was going to fight for me. What he meant was, I was to forget any notions of having anyone else in my life, after all the guy would only want one thing, and to go to counselling (because he couldn't cope with the idea of losing me). All right for him to bring up the D-word when it suited him, to scare me and to shut me up. Another thing when I ask for a separation after he has been crassly insensitive to my state of health and driven me past the point of no return. So why, now, when I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow, when we have lived apart for two months - in different countries even - and he has deliberately avoided talking to me about the bills for work I have had to do on our house (rented out for many years and neglected), when he has not given me one penny and when my savings are fast dwindling, when at 55 I have had to find a part-time job so I can pay my bills, am I reluctant to hit him with legal action? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe my two shrinks were right after all.. abuse does that to you and you can't make decisions.