FRIDAY

Friday sorry this is so very long. Yes as expected today turned into another deep downer. Last night all I could think about was divorce, having to sell my home and the dreaded finances of course. I still needed to hear what my wife’s plans were so I could deal with where my daughter wanted to go. I couldn’t switch off all night long and by the time my wife decided to turn up I was exhausted and desperate for some sleep. I was the one who went back over the same old ground telling her how I feel about her, how I’m hurting, not sleeping, what she has done to this family and so on. She tried to discuss things that needed to be talked about divorce selling the house etc but no; I needed to let her know that whilst she could shut her door and live in peace, I was the one who had to deal with the devastation she left behind. I wanted her too feel some of my hurt I wanted her to feel some remorse. All through this meeting I was aware that she couldn’t look at me she looked unhappy head bowed staring at the floor. This was not the woman I knew the intelligent proud beautiful woman I fell in love with some 20 years ago and knew so well. In fact though she had said so many times how sorry she was this was the first time I could look at her put my feelings to one side and see my wife now a pale shadow of herself, ashamed, guilty and humiliated looking older and worn out. She left and I sat alone and thought for a while. My marriage was over I knew that, I had lost my wife who I still love so very much, everything I looked at was no more from my home my hopes and dreams everything and it hurt so much. It was then I called my wife back and insisted she came back over here. I did it on the spur of the moment and she reluctantly agreed I made her a cup of coffee and again took a long hard look at her and I felt so sad that she was so down and unhappy with everything she had done, ashamed at hurting me the way she had and everyone and everything else. Yes she deserves what she got and everything she’s going through that I know only too well, but this was my wife, my love, my best friend the person I would have died for and she was hurting and hurting bad and that in return was hurting me. What happened next I just can’t explain nor do I understand the reason why I did it, but I went into a long explanation telling her how proud I was when we got married, how I felt ten feet tall and worth a million dollars, how happy she had made me over the years how lucky I had been you know all the silly things you feel when you love somebody so very much. She was crying wanting to escape but no I wanted to say something else I can’t understand what drove me to say it, or begin to explain the reasons why, but I told her I forgive her, that I needed us to remain best friends, I didn’t want her to avoid me and wanted her to keep in contact with me. She was really crying now saying sorry I don’t deserve any forgiveness how bad she felt about it and so on. We parted with a huge hug and a kiss well several actually she didn’t say but I could see with my own eyes she felt better for that coffee. But for me I don’t know at the moment I’m just a lost soul drifting aimlessly towards loneliness. Maybe I’m going soft or just plain stupid but I made her smile and that felt so good.