Counselling is hard work!

And that is not to underestimate what divorce is for those going through it.

Our latest session was last Friday and it is Wednesday today. It has taken me that long to actually gather my thoughts and try and make some sense of them.

It started with me finishing off about my childhood. It's always a cliche in films to have the line 'Now tell me about your childhood' usualy in a German accent. But when you dig into it you begin to see how much of you today was moulded by those years. So some useful insights were gathered.

Then we started talking about some issues and very soon difficult subjects were rushing out and it was very emotional. I won't go through every thing but the main issue we have is that in an argument (on Xmas day 2006) of which I had almost forgotten the details, my wife's recollection was crystal clear and vivid. In her recounting of the event she felt as though I was going to assault her but almost as if I had assaulted her. It's very difficult to explain. Because her story was about what she felt was going to happen next but I had a shower on that day, we all calmed down and so her event trail never started. But I am still left with the understanding now that my wife now feels that I have the possibility of assaulting her.

The counsellor asked if I had ever done anything like that to her and she said no. But I am not sure how to deal with it. It explains now why she stopped counselling shortly afterwards at start of 2007 to deal with 'my problems' . Yet feel that after having this insight it explains that she has some issues which may go back well before my time with her. She wouldn't be drawnw when asked by counsellor why she felt that I would do that since I hadn't made her feel like that before, choosing to give a good answer which didn't apply to the question asked.

There was another incident in April 2007 when after being banished to the spare room but with no sign of discussion or review I decided to return to the marital bed. Not my finest hour but by that stage I had been in spare room for 3 months and there was no sign that my wife wanted to review te situation or even talk to me in any way. So one night after being very restless, on the spur of the moment, I returned to our bedroom and very quietly slipped into my side of the bed. I lay with my back to my wife, on my side, on the edge of the bed, almost in a foetal position hands tight to chest around duvet with my feet carefully kept away from her sde of the bed.

She did wake up tho I didn't intend to wake her. She was very agitated, an entirely understandable reaction. She wanted me out of there and to return to my bed. I said that I just wanted to return to our bed and to sleep, not to talk and explained how tired I was, how emotionally tired. She said she would call police which really upset me. My wife turned on the bedside light to read Hello! Eventually, I slept (about 3 - 3.30) and she went to spare bedroom where she has been ever since.

We discussed this and from my point of view I just wanted to end my feeling of loneliness, to get my wife to see that it needed to be addressed. PSex wasn't in my plan, let alone physical contact of any kind. I hadn't foreseen the impact on my wife would be an understatement.

From her point of view she was really scared and her recollection was that she was frightened I was going to assault her sexually. I can't argue with how she feels about it now, how she felt about it then. Those are her feelings and her real fears. The counsellor asked if I had ever assaulted her in a sexual way before then. No. But she deflected the question on what made her feel that I would do such a thing.

So now I know why she wanted me to have a separation in May. Why she won't speak to me in any depth, why she feels justified in cutting me out of her life and our children's lives.

I am not sure if is where it will end or if we can both try and work through what happened and see it from the other side. I have felt very numb for most of time since, intially angry on the way home and then for most of days since a feeling that I want to be physically sick. A constant feeling of sickness. Initially, with dry wrteching but now that has gone. It may just have gone because my wife if away with work from Mon till Thurs eve, we shall see when she returns.

We had agreed with counsellor not to go through these issues with each other after the session but to work through it wth her. We should talk about things of no importance for 15 minutes a day. I couldn't do that! I just felt so sick when next to her. I know she is the one who is probably feeling violated and hurt but I had to keep away.

I registered with some house sharing websites as that seems the only way that we can afford time apart. I even looked at VSO and they do 3 to 6 month overseas postings. Again, not ideal with children but a way of achieving separation.

So it may all end there, if we both can't find a way to discuss these issues and agree a way forward. It depends on if my wife wants to start to open up about things which have been buried very deep. It depends on how much I can change my actions and reactions. It all depends on what we both feel we can commit to and want.

I have read somewhere else that you have to be at your lowest before you can rebuild. Please don't tell me that it can go any lower.