Feeling better

Back at work now and feeling better about things. Got my Absolute through this week, am an getting used to being truly single. One thing I've learned through this is that I never know how I'm going to feel about things. I was expecting the Absolute (in fact I was expecting it before Christmas - maybe my Sol sat on it until afterwards??), and was mentally prepared for receiving it. When it dropped onto the doormat (I used to be one of those!!) I was pleased it had arrived. Then when I was opening it I thought maybe it was just another fee notice from the Sol. Then when I realised it was the Absolute I burst into tears. They don't half know how to get to you! It states your date and place of marriage, and when I read it my mind went straight back to our wedding day and flicked through the whole order of events. It probably only took a couple of seconds, but was enough to make me cry. I remembered being happy and optimistic, and wanting to be with this man for the rest of my life.

But on the good side I now have a start and an end, so when I think about my marriage I can see the whole thing and know that it was a part of my life which is now over.

I haven't told the kids yet. I don't know if I should, but then I need them to know that dad's not coming back. Just in case they - like him - harbour thoughts of things getting back to "normal".

He hasn't been to see them since Christmas Day. He sent me a text on our wedding anniversary to say he missed me and still loved me. I didn't reply and haven't heard from him since. But now my Abs is though I need to let him know I'll apply to the CSA if he doesn't come up with some regular cash. So I'm trying to find a moment of courage to phone him and tell him. It's difficult because although I think he's an adulterous bastard I'm not the sort of person who enjoys hurting others or seeing them in distress. So it's a strain to rock the boat. But I'll get there sooner rather than later.

The Abs was dated a few days before Christmas. It was signed by the Judge on the same day we had our office party, which was also doubling as a hen night for a friend from work. So in fact it trebled as a "celebration" for my divorce - that's funny in an odd way.

And I'm well on the way to making a new life for myself. My "making it up as I go along" epiphany has really helped. Someone gave me some really good advice a few months ago. They said if you don't know what to do, do something. So the something I'm doing at the moment is getting fit again and making sure my diet is healthy. And I feel really good doing it. I have the time and the emotional energy to do it as well.

Kids seem fine - they had a great Christmas. My eldest watches TV with me on an evening and we have some good chats about the world. He says when he's got his first Lamboughini he'll buy me one next!!

Hope everyone gets what they need from life. Until I found this site I never realised how much pain and hurt there was in the world. Nor indeed how much help and support. I guess it's the "good people" who care about others.

I'll let you know how the CSA conversation goes.