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Jan 10
2008
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JAN 4th
Daughter 3's friend slept, Daughter 1 at cinema and daughter 3 at home and he cooked nice dinner for me, him and daughter 3. All quiet and then POW!!!
My parents are called 't**ts and they are not allowed in my house again.... why well dont ask me!!! he says they defend me and my kids and dont care about him... he is just the b*****D that pays for they daughter mmmm.
He went for a drive to calm down and i went to bed in tears again.
What is the matter with him, he is so difficult to understand he has this impenetrable shell, that gets thicker as time goes on. If only he could see I love him and want to be there for him. If only love could triumph over hate we could all live happily ever after!
Jan 5th
Saturday started well, at least until I got up. He found chocolate wrappers in a tin in the living room and blamed daughter 1. As no eating or drinking in the living room is 'one of the rules' I agree to have a word with her to keep the peace.
HE IS SO ANGRY, leaves me alone and in tears again.... In the afternoon he returns and demands I go to a solicitor and divorces him. Its amazing I still do not want to even though i know we cannot go on like this. Lord help me! why do i love him so much.... Went to visit a girl friend for tea and sympathy which made me feel much better and she re-assured me I am not cracking up! She lent me a book which i read until the early hours - so strange how you can see others situations so damn clearly but continue to justify and refuse to see your own!
Didnt sleep much, sharing a bed and trying to keep a gulf in the middle wide enough to avoid accidental human contact.
Jan 6th
Took the christmas tree down today. He was on form! Daughter 1 a S*@g, me (even worse a C - well i am sure you can guess) - where has this foul abusive language come from!!!
I do not want hurt, pain and such daily turmoil! I do not expect happiness anymore, but I would settle for peace and quiet.
I sit and wonder where Me (bridget) has gone? When did i become this self pitying weak mess?
I am just about at my lowest point when daughters 2 sends me a text "i love you mum x" I am so moved by this and i sure as hell dont deserve it. I have failed my girls and pray that i can heal them with my love and hope that one day when they are old enought they read this and understand how difficult it all is.
My reason for being is them and maybe i can salvage some success by leading them to a happy future.
Right on cue, when i can get no lower, daughters 2 & 3 arrive home from town and they have spent some of their Christmas moneyon a bunch of flowers for me!!!
He on the other hand, angry that everone has sympathy for me and no one give a damn about him! So he takes my jewellry off of me and throws the 'poxy Present' i bought him for christmas back at me.
I have no more fight left - the man i love is intent on destroying me and doing a good job!
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AJB0492
said:
| January 10, 2008 | ||
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Take advice get out before verbal becomes physical from reading your blogg it seems that may be where it will end up. No one deserves that sort of treatment. You need to be strong for you and your daughters. He is trying to control everything you are doing my prayers are with you. Andy | |
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bridget de jour
said:
| January 10, 2008 | ||
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Thanks Andy, I know you are talking sense - just difficult at the moment. |
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rockasspenguin
said:
| January 10, 2008 | ||
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It sounds like he is trying to break you, you have to get out for your own sake as well as the girls. Please leave this man he is not worth or deserving of your love and committment. Trust me, verbal abuse is the hardest to recover from. Michelle | |
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SK.Callum
said:
| January 11, 2008 | ||
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Mmm I suppose if it leads to physical then at least you will then be well within your rights to get him out by law, I also believe that it can be done for mental abuse so ask here... Domestic Abuse Helpline - 24 hours a day, 365 days a year 0800 027 1234 The iron knickers brigade as they are occasionaly refered to heheh  they will be able to advise you better, this is not just for you but also daughters... Do not leave home tho.. better you be in it, better footing for you. |
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couki
said:
| January 11, 2008 | ||
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Well, this man could be my stbx twin brother, he behaved in the exact same way and I just thought the exact way as you, I love him so much why is he doing this? Three and a half months on I realise that he was actually holding me back, its tough its not easy as I still love him, but I have accepted that he doesnt give a toss about me and thats life. My kids are my strength and thats where you focus, you and your kids!! Keep your chin up! | |
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Canary667
said:
| January 13, 2008 | ||
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I really feel for your pain. And the obvious pain spilling over onto your children. I was in a very similar situation to yours and kept at it and at it and at it, and the result is that I ended up with 2 happy years of marriage and 6 really bad ones. When I finally got him to leave, he couldn't belive it! He then professed undying love (but wasn't willing to stop shouting about EVERYTHING and smacking his chidlren around - never too hard, but for me any hitting is too hard when your kids are 3 and 5) and I felt nothing. No love, and no hate. I have a terrible sense of grief at losing the dream marriage I thought I was going into, I am heartbroken to see my children confused and saddened and I have no joy in causing the pain to our extended families our separation has caused. But I hold onto this - the kids don't need to flinch with fear when someone tries to give them a hug any more. I don't dread hearing a key in the door. I have a wonderful new "special friend" and discovered I wasn't frigid (at all!!!) - I just hated sleeping with my STBX. This will be over and it will get better, - don't think it won't get worse before then because a controlling person like the sound of your spouse will want to see yuo suffer and will, (hold your breath here) see themselves as the victim. But, staying with him is not an alternative - you will be amazed and delighted and heartened at the support you will be showered with. Prepare as much as you can, ensure you have sole bank accounts, ensure you have access to cash and keys and papers, install a keyboard tracker so you can crack his email and bank passwords and make sure yours are all changed pronto. My ex did all of that to me and consequently he held all the funds we had and all the power. Don't be dumb like I was, - undertake this with the sense of purpose and determination every mother has for protecting her children. Your self esteem will be boosted at knowing you are the one in the driving seat and enjoy the independence this delivers. If you work, your employers may be extremely supportive - find someone really senior to engage with who has been through a messy divorce and you will be on your way to being freer and happier. When you stay you still love him, - don't beat yourself up about that. At one time you were obviously happy together. But maybe it is the dreams and aspirations you had about how you would live your lives out together that you still love and not the beast he has turned into. Whichever way you see it, it does not harm to still love, but it isn't a good enough reason to stay in your current situation and make your children go through that too. Think about what you would desire for them if, god forbid, they were in the same situation in their future marriages, - imagine them full of courage, integrity and wisdom, and what you imagine for them you are no less capable of undertaking for their sake. Lots of hugs and wishing you well. |
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braindearth
said:
| January 13, 2008 | ||
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"I am just about at my lowest point when daughters 2 sends me a text "i love you mum x" I am so moved by this and i sure as hell dont deserve it." Bridget, you sure as hell do deserve it. |
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