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Dec 30
2007
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Trying to make s fresh startPosted by Milady in moving on, accepting its over |
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Had a good Christmas, but can't help feeling that there's someone missing. Kids are okay. They got the presents they wanted for Christmas - all paid for by me. Ex said he'd give them money so they could buy themselves something, but he turned up to visit on Christmas Day with nothing. And anyway, it should be me who's getting the money, as I bought their presents, and he doesn't pay anything towards their upkeep. I'll have to go to the CSA in the new year and try to get something that way. The problem is that I earn more than he does, and can just about manage on my pay to keep things going. But shouldn't he still pay a share to cover the cost of bringing up his kids? It feels like I'm being unreasonable when I ask him for money, but I believe he should pay a share.
Oh, and he asked me again on Christmas Day if he could come back. He says he's stuck in a nightmare that he can't wake upfrom. More like dreamland, if you ask me. He still can't explain why he had an affair, why he treated me like dirteven before I found out about the affair, why he didn't visit me in hospital when I was really ill a couple of years ago... Presumably he had better things to focus his attention on.
And isn't Christmas such a sentimental and sanitised experience? I used to quite enjoy the old films and the "family get-together" idea, but this year I found it so false and tainted. I had to avoid some of the more obvious "rose-tinted" schmoltz and concentrate on making my first single Christmas a good one for both me and the kids. And yes, we enjoyed it. I valued some time to myself, without a drinken husband snoring in the chair by 4pm every day. The kids have enjoyed doing some silly things which they wouldn't have done if their dad had been here - things like playing board games and helping with the Christmas dinner. I don't know why they never did things like that before. Maybe because their dad didn't really get into the Chrisymas spirit, except the alcohol variety, and I was always stressed trying to do everything and keep the peace with a man who seemed to control our moods and energies.
It struck me the other day that I can do whatever I want now. I was thinking about emigrating to Australia, and couldn't find the usual reasons not to. Or I could downsize the house and work part time. But that's the easy stuff. What I don't have the answer to is whether I'll ever be with someone again? There's this huge void of unknown stuff in the future and it's disorientating me. Sometimes I feel really low and feel like I'm on a treadmill. Work, home, meals, housework, sleep... The bit that's missing is the bits that went cuddle, work, home, kiss, chat, meals, housework, laugh, cuddles, sleep. The relationship stuff.
And... how do I meet new people when all my time is taken up with the work, meals, housework, kids occupations? I'm sitting here now thinking how on earth will I ever make new friends (or find someone special) if I'm just "in the house"? I think I'm just feeling a bit low. It's new year's eve and all that "remember 2007" crap is on the telly.
2008 will be fab, just watch and see. I'll read this in exactly 1 year's time and smile!
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ChrisM
said:
| December 31, 2007 | ||
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U know 2008 will be defo. Sounds like a right slob yr ex. But I wasnt like that and I still got binned. For a new model it seems. But keep your chin up. Being single has its advantages. I found that I can do what I want when I want. I dont miss the married life 1 bit now. C | |
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sexysadie
said:
| December 31, 2007 | ||
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Milady, that is more or less exactly how I feel. The only difference is that my ex does pay child support but doesn't see the kids (well, one is refusing to see him, but he barely asks to see the other). He has got past the point at which he's begging to come back, partly because I said it was completely out of the question very early on. I expect he still feels he is in an endless nightmare, but it is entirely of his own making and at least he is no longer expecting me to be sympathetic about it and put his needs above those of the children. I know just what you mean about the treadmill. Some days I feel OK about it and glad that I am now able to protect my children. But how is it possible to meet anyone and get the kisses and cuddles if you have to stay in with the children night after night because they have become your total responsibility? I will be fifty this year and I have at least another five years of having to be around in the evenings. So that's at least five years single, enough to see me through the menopause, which feels a very long time to me. Sadie |
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SK.Callum
said:
| January 01, 2008 | ||
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:-) was it me and I was much younger Id be moving to canada, sell this place would get me a very large house over there specialy round Toronto lots of work there :-) | |
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Sicilia
said:
| January 02, 2008 | ||
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I too have that feeling of panic that I may end up on my own when all I wanted out of life was a happy family. My daughter is now 18 and my husband who I have been with since age 17 gone and the world feels wrong. Everyone says, oh, you'll meet someone else nad part of me thinks yes, I will, someone who will love me properly, but other times I feel such fear. I didn't want anyone else, just the man I married. However, as he is gone maybe I should give that Canada idea a go... or maybe somewhere hot... then I get excited until I feel afraid again! |
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Specialdad
said:
| January 04, 2008 | ||
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Its not that bad being on your own SS. Work, gym, TV, Reading, Adult evening classes all help to keep things going. 2008 will definitely be better. | |
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