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Dec 24
2007
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Happy Xmas, chumpPosted by braindearth in bad day, affairs and cheating |
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I love Xmas, my son loves it. my wife clearly loves the fact that this year she can enjoy it with us then speed off to new boyfriend whenever she wants, safe in the knowledge that dull old husband will watch the child at all times.
finaly, after weeks of BS from her about couple counselling she gives in to my questions and admits she has met someone else. i feel played like a fish on the end of a line. she knows that i have been trying to get her to counselling for some time and she has been agreeing with that to keep me placid while at the same time imploring me to let her get her social life back "it will be good for us". now i see that she just wanted license to get to know this guy. sickening, not the fact that she met someone else, although that is clearly one more nail in the matrimonial coffin, but the manipulation. at leat it is opening my eyes, finally, to he methods of controllng and limiting me.
at the same time she threatens me that if i mention any of this to anbody then things will get much worse - not sure how they can. this is more control.
so, a really miserable xmas in prospect but at least i get some extended quality time with my son. for his sake i cannot let her destroy me. things are going to get much tougher yet.
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Fat Boy Getting Slimmer
said:
| December 25, 2007 | ||
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I really feel for you. Do think about counselling just for yourself if she won't go. It can help you think things through and with me it helped me change focus from my wife to me. Initially, the 1st few sessions were almost totally about what my wife was doing and how that made me feel. After a few it changed to what I wanted, what I should do and just a bit about my wife and her actions. It may not apply to you but it can be useful to discuss it with someone who can be objective and supportive. Sometimes friends or relatives bring their own views and baggage along or try and guess what you want to hear. Have a super day with your son. A whole day with him is great and Christmas is so great for them. Best Wishes and Season's Greetings FBGS |
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braindearth
said:
| December 26, 2007 | ||
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wel, what a brilliant xmas day that was. started well - i decided to play a small practical joke that my wife used to enjoy so much - completely successful and it was really nice to hear her laugh uncontrollably again. then it all went wrong 20 minutes later. i put something in the waste bin that she said should not have gone there - she wrenched it out, threw it and made a mess. then stormed upstairs to leave me to clear up and eventually crrep up to apologise. why do i do this? why do i keep backing down in the face of an argument with her even when i know i am right and she is just being juvenile. it must be the result of years of abusive control by her, of my actions, feeings, everything. the day passed in patch fashion, she only seemed able to get through it by retreating to the bathroom every 20 minutes with her mobile phone. presumably to get emotional support from new bf. in the evening we talked and i now believe that it really is over. i have ad enough of all this bs and especially being controlled by her. but it is going to continue i fear. she has all the power. she has kept me on the hook for months with the promise of joint counselling until she managed to meet someone else. now she is assuring me that she will move out and live locally so i can see my son. but what happens then? i still have the posibility that she will mopve further to be with this guy (I am happy for her to go, but not my son), she still has the card of divorce to play if she wishes and then things will get much more messy, financially. perhaps there is nothing i can do - i certainly feel now reduced to a state of complete submissiveness but i must try to change this soon. any advice? do i need to stop fearing the divorce process? how can i stop fearing losing my son? my wife is, emotionally, way further along in this process than i am and it makes me very vulnerable. sorry folks, a bit messed up today. ignore me  |
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Fat Boy Getting Slimmer
said:
| December 26, 2007 | ||
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Well I am glad you got some memorable happy monents on Christmas Day. If there is a large imbalance in power then perhaps rather than trying to reduce her control a more achievable aim for you is to increase your relative control and power. It all seems rather familiar with all The Spice Girls back together - remember Girl Power? Well perhaps we need to focus on Dad Power. focussing on redressing the balance of power where there is inequality. I am not going on stage though. Good Luck and enjoy the rest of the holiday. |
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braindearth
said:
| December 27, 2007 | ||
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very low right now. 6am and cant sleep. wife going off to bf today and i am taking my son out, as usual these days, to places where we should be going as a family. yesterday she asked me to check her car before the journey. then accused me of tampering with it to sabotage her shag trip basically. last night when i was online she stormed in and accused me of contacting her bf. no idea what brought this on but i didnt. dont even know his name. she is so much further down the emotional line in this process than i am that i cannot seem to function. she is casually leaving me and my son whenever she wishes and with no indication of when she might be back, i am still deep down hoping we can try again. i still love her. i am crying several times a day (now included). she just tells me to get a life when 100% of my life for the last 4 years has been my family. this is the worst hell imaginable. later i guess i will have to be stronger for my son, but right now i dont feel there is any hope. sorry, this is not the place for this type of post, but it is part of the timeline. |
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Specialdad
said:
| December 27, 2007 | ||
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Dont worry mate. Loads of us have been through the same. After going down I decided to get my Superman costume out, puff out my chest and jump over an office block in a single bound. Shes not worth the aggravation. Think of your son and move on. All the best. | |
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braindearth
said:
| December 30, 2007 | ||
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feel a little better now - seen some friends and family and they are all very supportive. they believe that i have been mentally or emotionally abused by her for some time, nit sure but I am increasingly scared around her. i also have what are probably irrational fears for my son - feel i want to take him away (dont worry, i am no kidnapper). after the adultery i told her that i cannot stand being in the same house and asked her to move out. she claims that is is not adultery because she made it clear our marriage is over as far as she is concerned and i am delusional to think otherwise. the fact is she was still intending to go to counselling until it happened. there seems to be no way we can finance 2 households right now, lets see how it goes. | |
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braindearth
said:
| January 02, 2008 | ||
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Another day - my wife with new bf again, me left to look after my son. Therefore another great day! I really wish I could be a full time parent, this is the absolute best thing possible and I am strangely (given the fact that we are splitting up) regretful that we did not have another child. Of course rationally I am still being taken advantage of - I never know when she is coming back, same day, next day, or what to tell our son when he asks. I manage though and yesterday, like everyday when it is just the 2 of us, he told me how happy he was. He is detecting a detachment from my wife right now I think as she focuses on her. Downside to all this of course is my growing fear that she will take him away to live with this new guy at some point. It is not so far as to be difficult for weekend visits for example, but after 4 years of being with him every day, putting him to bed every night - how can I deal with that? I can get over lsing my wife, losing my home if necessary, but my son? |
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braindearth
said:
| April 03, 2008 | ||
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OK, it has been a long time since I felt I had anything to say about this. Time for an update. Divorce is progressing, although bizarrely she now wishes to retract her signed acknowledgement of service because she has decided she doesnt like some things I wrote about her behaviour. Never stops to think that this would not have been a problem if she had not done those things in the first place of course. Can she do anything at this stage? I have no idea. I now realise what mediation is all about. You go an sit in a small room, with someone whom you hoped never to sit in a small room with again. You pay £65 in order to receive much the same abuse as you used to get for free. At the end she does not get what she wants (except perhaps the right to continue claiming legal aid), so is rude to me, rude to the mediator and storms out. If this were a contest I would be way ahead on points, but the knockout blow of course is that my son is still with her most of the time. It now seems that further mediation is blocked because she is still insisting that I withdraw my divorce petition and without this she will not mediate any further. On a brighter note, apart from the pain of being without my son most of the time (he misses me terribly by the way) I have, on a personal level, not been this happy for years. I am now realising just how damaging my marriage to this woman has been to me, nothing permanent I think, but it is a wonderful feeling to emerge from years of verbal and emotional abuse and realise that there are things about life to enjoy after all. |
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