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Dec 20
2007
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Went out to do the final christmas pressie shop this morning. I was so elated that on the way back to the car I started to cry...because I was so thankful that I MANAGED IT AND I FINISHED IT and because I felt terribly guilty of my happiness.
I am so sorry for those of you who will not have your children with you for christmas, my girls are the reason for me to go on.
I question how my X2B is feeling himself..
Every christmas, I would do the present run and wrap while he would cut the sellotape while moaning that I had gone overboard, every year I would lay the table in good old traditional style and he would sit and moan he was hungry, Every year he would moan at the rubbish on the television and refuse us the choice. Every year he would scoff at my writing christmas cards to his family and friends...
He has what he wanted now and I have what I do every year but with no-one to stick a knife into trying to make it a happy family holiday.
So the Christmas wobble has started, guilt for those not in such a fortunate position, guilt for feeling angry at X2B, guilt at not keeping my family going, guilt at not being able to remember one happy moment with the X2B and angry for not being able to turn back time and repair everything.
If I have to be honest if I could have one wish for Christmas it would be to have my husband come home, bright and sparkling, wise and trustworthy, reliable and unselfish with respect and love for me that nothing could ever break.
Oh well.
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sexysadie
said:
| December 20, 2007 | ||
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ah well, Sals, we can all wish. Don't feel guilty, though: you will have a Christmas without the moaning and that will be much nicer for your girls as well as for you. I have enjoyed the preparations for Christmas much more this year than I have before, although I am worried about money and it's been difficult to find time to go shopping. It is just so nice to know there will be no complaining - and also I always did everything but this year I don't resent it because there isn't anyone sitting around not bothering while going on about how much trouble he is taking and wondering aloud why I am so stressed! Have a really good one, Sadie |
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Angel557
said:
| December 21, 2007 | ||
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Can't offer you many words right now Sals due to the way i'm feeling.I know we will get through this don't what the time scale is to start feeling your living a normal happy life again , i hope you do have a good xmas and may 2008 be better for you . | |
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ChrisM
said:
| December 21, 2007 | ||
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Hi sals. Listen to the words of Mad World by tears for fears or later by Gary Jules. This was a christmas hit a few years ago. I think it sums up the world perfectly. I think the world and life is very cruel and I do wonder sometimes what any of us have done to deserve this treatment. I now know why people top them selves at this time of year and the divorce rate goes thru the roof after xmas. Chris |
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Milady
said:
| December 22, 2007 | ||
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Hi Sals Feeling pretty much the same! I never realised how much of my energy my ex sapped and what a killjoy he was. I've planned and executed the Christmas plan, as always, only this year I have energy and ideas. The kids are with me and are loving it. I don't need to worry about his moods and his drinking. Yes, I'm feeling a bit blue and alone, but I wouldn't go back to how it was. I know what you mean about wishing he was back and everything was okay, but I think we both know that that's a shiny and sanitised version of how it might be. But what I wanted to say to you was hey! the guilt thing will get you down. Be who you are and not what others would make you. You show a great deal of respect and compassion for those others who for whatever reason are alone or separated at Christmas. Promise me you'll turn your "guilt" into an acknowledgement of their situation, but not one that saps your energy. Do everything you always wanted to! We're watching TOTP2 Christmas Special and singin along. Couldn't have done that this time last year!! Have a good one. XXX  |
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