Communication - you want it so much yet dread it so much.

Well we had a planned conversation last night which started on time, was civil, kept to the subject and left us both on an emotional even keel.

So that's good, isn't it? So why later in the evning did I feel that it hadn't been quite even.

Perhaps it is paranoia, I don't know.

The plan I had laid on the table a few weeks ago was for me to put self-employed business on back burner, running it as an evening or week-end role and to look for regular waged work.

Last night wife said she can see that there is a demand for my business and I should go for it. Full-time try and hit the Xmas demand. This I took as really positive. For the first tme since I started being self-employed inMarch 2007 does my wife think that there is a demand and need which I can fit around commitments to our kids.

The only fly in the ointment was 'But I can never love you.' If she hadn't said that I could really have slept well last night. Instead I am thinking is this the option that allows the most chance of getting money in for Xmas, whilst allowing flexibility for kids, or is this the option that is the best long-term solution.

I went downstairs again later and asked about us being friends and the house. 'Oh! I've been thinking about that. Perhaps Spring would be better time to sell.' Do I have no say in this? Is there no compromise on my wife's part.

We talked a bit about the panic attacks that she sometimes have when we have talks especially if unplanned. I asked her if she has mentioned them to her counsellor or if she has sought help from GP. I think if she deals with these panic attacks it will really help us to live a normal life even if only as friends.

We shall see hw she answers that question.