Not sure what will unfold in the next few months

Left a message with X2B asking what he intends to do about the dreaded overdraft..we are squared up about the obvious financial commitments between us..He pays me child maintenance, but then takes it back for the rent that I have to pay him...so simple.

He responded with a scribbled note, stating that he will give me a few bob when he can, but that I have to understand that his life has moved on that he has new commitments and that he needs to save to rent a house which will happen before christmas.

What new commitments?..why the rush to rent..he has a room at the mess and pays £200 for room and three sqare meals a day?..no other outgoings?.

I think the bomb shell is coming..and it would not surprise me if that will be the missing christmas present for me this year.

The parting gesture was..I'm sorry that you will find it difficult to do Christmas for the girls but they will just have to go without.

But I just don't want the kids to grow up so fast and then hark back to when Christmas lost its sparkle, sure their Dads gone but he was a pain in the neck every christmas anyway...He really was and that's not me being angry!!.

The thing is when my Dad died when I was 14 Christmas was awful anyway but I will never forget that all we got as a pressie was a dressing gown, that's all Mum could afford..a practical pressie that kept us warm, because Mum could also not afford to put the heating on.

So I took up two paper rounds in the mornings and evenings to help her out...I don't want that for my children, the time will come, but I want it to be a slow transition.

Yes I am heading for a low for my own personal reasons as Christmas looms...I have a huge overdraft that I need to chip into to keep the bank happy in case they say f off because X2Bs salary no longer goes in..

Last night was a remarkable time with the girls, I usually go trick and treating with them and X2B dishes the sweets out at home.

I managed to get home in time to get the girls dressed for the occasion and then said goodbye when they went out to do the rounds..alone.

I dished the sweets out and had fun, but in the moments of a lull I felt really sad.

They eventually got home with the booty, we had tea and the girls were brimming with enjoyment and in the chitter chatter said "this has been the best ever Halloween"...that made me really happy...it was all ok..sod the X2B..forget about his little scribbled note...just think of the happy things I can achieve.

I guess I do not forget the child in me, although I do feel all of my age, if I can just keep the simple things that add the sparkle hopefully they will look back and realise I did all that I could with happy memories.

I guess that's my lifes ambition, see them grow into happy adults, they don't need the hang ups. Only problem is getting the X2B into the game plan?.and that really makes me angry because I have to relent and cover him. The children will work it out when they are adults.

Off to work now...with a thought that I may be here on Christmas Eve for a hug.. and am ready willing and able to give them out.